Red Cedar

me at thirty-three. taken at the wise by east van halen (a couple of weeks ago, but sent to me last night). silly yes, but i don’t hate it.

lucky sun and blue sky for the start of my 33rd year which according to my annual horoscope is about completion and transition, letting go of old things and cleaning out dead wood. though it is not necessarily a year for new beginnings, it is a year for preparing. interesting, because that’s exactly how i see 2006 – getting through the trial and putting aside the past as it has been done, grieving those losses, and at the same time putting the pieces in place to enable having a child in 2007. it’s really a put your head down and get through it kindof year, as there is so little influence i can have on the larger forces at work.

last year on my birthday (as i wrote in my blog and clearly remember), i cried and cried for no particular reason other than the deep depression which i was just emerging from then. interesting to me now because although i have had moments of stunning despair in the past two months, the recent emotional grief nowhere near parallels the state of numb angst i found myself in a year ago. the fact i made any major life decisions in the midst of that (moving to the sunshine coast, buying a home) baffles me to this day.

i feel much more grounded in general these days, though still not exactly clear on the future. i am putting elements together in various ways – dreaming, visioning, timelining – but without making solid decisions because there are many external variables that must play out first. in a way those factors are giving me a little space in which to feel through the possibilities i am opening to. they both hold me back and give me breathing room at the same time – a balancing force. the fact there are possibilities and i can see what some of them might be, is exciting, even though i know it may take time and effort to bring them forward. hopefully i can keep at least a shred of this optimism up through the year to come.

right now i am very thankful for the relationships in my life sustaining me in various ways – and so grateful for the different roles friends and lovers have played in recent months. the tragedy that has befallen one group of people in my life has cast a new light on the importance of those who are here, tangible and touchable – who i can walk in woods or share a secret over a beer with. i know my future has to be made with those people present, as much as it is painful to acknowledge that means some people will not be (at least in the way i want).

last night i spent with the east van radical chicks, having dinner and pints. today has been marked by calls and emails from so many of the great people in my life. two of my co-workers took me for lunch, and then a walk to see a tree in full blossom in the sun. my evening promises a phone call with aaron, and i think a good night’s sleep.

striking me strongest at the moment is the feeling of containment – to have both lightness and grief co-existing within the cavity that is me – complexity and struggle and anger – desire and love and vision. never apathy. not at all in my thirty-third year.

my birthday is tomorrow and i will be thirty-three. i have no plans for tomorrow which i intended, but tonight i will be going for drinks at the wise. i will be there around 9 (and not staying too late), for those who wish to partake. last minute, i know.

thank-you for the lovely and inspiring comments from all of you who posted here and emailed privately after last night’s post. it has made my morning a lot better to know when i do reach the edge, at least some people aren’t trying to push me off!

there are moments in this mess in which i feel very small and powerless – where i have to recognize the essential unchangeability of what has been started and the betrayls and lies that have been told. there are looming trials and decisions to be made, and more discovery which will peel away layer after layer of who we thought we were. how can this process not tear at us? this is the new phase to which we must adjust ourselves – each month different than the last. here we are february, now come the documents.

of course, the ongoing battle to sleep has not helped my perspective one iota – though last night i did manage to sleep seven hours with only one interruption – which is a record in the past month. i can hardly wait to see my naturopath this week and get some help with this problem (beyond the gravol i have been taking to help incur drowsiness).

i spent the weekend in victoria, visiting my parents for two nights and a lover for one (i think that ratio should probably be switched, but it was my birthday visit so family won out) . all in all the visit went fine, though i find it difficult to reconcile the tension between my parents (ongoing since i was very young), and the toll it seems to take on both of them. i mostly don’t engage with it anymore, though i did find myself at one point telling my father to lay off.

the overnight with my friend was a great way to end the weekend, but i suspect was also my undoing in terms of coming home a bit depressed as i realized in the morning how much i didn’t feel like “going back to my own life”. sitting there in greg’s flat, drinking good coffee on monday morning, the idea of my own life just seemed overwhelmingly sad to me, as if i had actually left reality to spend the night elsewhere. obviously i am identifying the difficult things with my life and the good things as not belonging to me – and that can’t be healthy!

in any case, i came back from victoria with a bunch of fabric that my mother bought and i promised to turn into quilted placemats and napkins (anyone out there have a serger?), and also some more fabric for another quilt project (i have about 3 ideas on the go at the moment, none of which i have started workin on) – so things to occupy my hands and mind when i feel like i can’t write anymore. i also returned with about 20 novels from my mother’s bookshelf (she was purging) which have made my too-read pile a bit unwieldy.

so yes, i am able to still create, to read, to cook good food, to enjoy a pint or two, to spend time with friends and lovers, to dream about a future in which there is a child, to hold and touch and laugh and play — to have my life, to make mistakes, and to find new ways to go forward. lucky? yes. i do know it. and it’s going to be okay.

….tell me that it’s all going to be okay? it doesn’t feel like it right now.

i feel i should update but really have nothing to say. insomnia is wreaking havoc on my work, my self-esteem and my overall health. i took today off work after the 4th night of less than four hours sleep – i just stop functioning at this point. i didn’t drink any coffee today either (thinking perhaps i should cut it out entirely for awhile) – so i feel utterly drained at the moment. i’m off to victoria this weekend to see family (my birthday is next week, so it’s over there for birthday dinner and shopping).

i’m pretty sure i’ll get the sleep thing sorted out soon. in the meantime i’m doing a lot of writing on a project i abandoned several months ago which is exciting. writing is a lot like going to the gym for me – i have to force myself to it, but once i warm up i’m okay and i always feel great afterwards.

the groundhogs say early spring. hopefully that means the rain will stop for a day or two.