Red Cedar

a room of my own.

Posted on March 8, 2006 by Megan

international women’s day, darren’s birthday, three months since the arrests, witnessing my first termination as a union rep this afternoon – circles on the calendar to drink remembrances to at some future distance. good thing i’m feeling detached today, otherwise all of this might gum up my insides. we’ll see how long this lasts, i’m hoping i can keep the observer stance through the firing as it will do no good to anyone if i can’t keep my wits about me.

drank beers last night with a friend, slept at firetrap’s house (which as i told a friend on the weekend is the premium place to stay in the city – long couch, living room door that shuts, cute roomates, good tea – that’s some deluxe couch-surfing conditions), woke up with extremely bloodshot eyes (very rare for me).

i have been pondering again lately the idea of renting a room in the city, mostly because it seems i am staying in a lot right now and usually do stay in one night every week or two. i think it would be better to have keys and a place i could stash a few things (no need for kitchen access or anything like that).

to that end i’m putting it out there that if you have an extra room in your place either downtown or in east vancouver, or are moving in the next few months and would be interested in having an extra $200-$300 per month (i would really like to keep that around $200 if at all possible) and a hassle-free keyholder (honest i’m not that keen on staying in the city, but it gives me more options)… let me know. really, my needs are very modest – a closet with enough room for a foamie and access to a bathroom is all i’m after. i really am *not* interested in moving back to the city even on a part-time basis. i’m not even sure if a room is necessary, but am just putting it out in case the perfect situation exists and i just haven’t found it yet.

i’m also feeling like i need to upgrade wordpress and redesign this blog sometime in the near future – so if any of you designers out there have some ideas you want to throw my way – please feel free! once i’ve got that out of the way – i’m hoping to return to more interesting writing here and more photos (it’s all been a bit too blog-ish lately if you ask me).

thanks to friendships great and small.

Posted on March 7, 2006 by Megan

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back at work this morning after a couple of days off – grey day rain, vancouver march. so typical this day so far, like every other. if i ignore the greater context and just sit at this keyboard, it almost seems normal – just another regular working day, working person, working life. briefing notes and responses to inquiries. as grey as the rain, as tired from winter as the beginning of march.

spent the past two days in my house, working on the presentation for friday, stitching together a small resistance music video with photos of the eco-eleven and music by asian dub foundation (it’s not quite finished), adding borders to my quilt top, and reading books. of course there were errands and chores as well, and phone calls and online chats with friends. so, not entirely alone.

i am feeling very lucky these days for the relationships in my life – so glad for who is there, for those who have held space open for me, prepared fires in my wood stove and shared dinners in restaurants and cramped kitchens. godammit, the value of people is immense, both in terms of how we navigate the world and ourselves. i seem to remember writing somewhere once (here? in a handwritten journal?) “how do we know who we are if we can’t see ourselves reflected in others?” – and i would like to think when i summon up the courage, beauty, intelligence, creativity and compassion of my closest friends, that i am at least a little reflected in there.

awareness of people around me, their actions, their principles, and my relation to them are part of my general process of both detachment and nurture right now. my heart and core are in flux, and i keep wondering who i will be when the pieces finally settle. i am looking for clues in those who know me well, and those who barely know me at all – hoping those reflections will give me an idea of where i’m heading. wondering if it is possible to come through a traumatizing event stronger? more self-aware? without carrying anger and despair and frustration in one’s heart forever?

several times a day my insides wrinkle with fears and a million petty anxieties, but i keep finding a way to iron them back out on a breath and task, refocus, centre. denial? or perhaps i really am doing as well as it seems. knowing i am held close and held up by people who are rooting for the right side in all of this, i suspect has a tremendous amount to do with it.

and so what started as a regular blog post has turned into a public letter of gratitude to those of you who have been there and continue to be. it’s a long stretch to the finish line yet, and i’m sure i will falter between now and then. i know my reciprocation of such support has been lacking, but this june i will throw a big party and invite you all to make it up.

promise.

hardware security help.

Posted on March 3, 2006 by Megan

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haven’t had much to say this week during my time in prince rupert – mostly spent working, visiting with work friends and in the evenings writing.

here’s a question for the geeks out there who read this blog. if you were to identify a hardware security threat what would it be? (and don’t say keyloggers, i already know about those – and tempest doesn’t count because it’s basically just theoretical and probably doesn’t work with newer monitors anyways).

i’m stumped on framing hardware security issues, and i have to pump out at least 1500 words on the subject (minus the 250 on keyloggers). answer in the comments or send me an email.

thanks.

new luggage.

Posted on February 28, 2006 by Megan

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realized this morning i was sick of traveling always with a backpack and a gym bag crammed full and bought a small red carry-on suitcase on my coffee-break. i also bought an additional piece that fits on top for extra bits and pieces that don’t belong in the suitcase proper. now i really look like someone on the road for work and i don’t have to carry every single thing i own on my shoulder or my back.

just repacked my bag for prince rupert on the floor of my cubicle – ready to go this afternoon – though i still haven’t decided whether or not to go airporter or cab, nor have i really nailed down when i am leaving or what paperwork and software i need to take. disorganized? yes, a little these days. i used to be really uptight about the details of travel but more and more i find myself glancing at itineraries and figuring out options last minute rather than putting any energy there beforehand. realized yesterday there is a deadline looming to book my ticket to toronto for union convention and still haven’t decided whether i’m going to tack a couple of days on to visit friends or not.

hoping to get some writing done this week while i’m away, having been taken away from my latest project for too long and wanting to force myself back into it. funny how much i hate the process of writing until i’m in the midst of it. apparently this is not uncommon among many authors out there, the discovery of which made me feel better. i used to think that because i did not *love* the act of writing, i could never write a book – that those who were published had somehow made work feel like play, and i was failing in not being able to transcend that barrier. apparently it’s not over for me yet.

(phew! i really didn’t want to give up that dream of one day publishing a book or more).

spoke with darren last night, he’s bored but fine. turns out there’s a prisoner-service we might be able to use to circumvent t-netix that will make my phone calls a lot cheaper and allow other people to set up accounts for him to to call them. i need to do some more research on this, but this is the type of thing prison-support organizations need to be telling people’s families and support groups! i’m thinking of writing (with the input of others) a prisoner-support group tips sheet that can be used for future folks trying to get support cttes together as i’m realizing what seems second-nature to some people is brand new to others (and wow, is the system ever confusing).

will write from rupert, touching down tonight.