Red Cedar

I have just come to a decision about running for a position that has come free on my union’s regional council. It’s a step-up from anything else I have run for previously, certainly higher profile, and I have lots of support from people to run. On the downside, two of my union “mentors” are both interested in running for the position also and I know that it will cause some hard feelings. I just told one of them about the decision via email and I’m waiting for the other to phone me so I can talk to him about it. To both I will make clear – I do not expect either of them to step aside just because I am running – I welcome a race, win or lose. Of course they fear if we all run we will “split the vote” among leftists – but I would rather see that happen than have bitterness as a result of individuals feeling like they “shouldn’t” run.

It’s a difficult thing this, but over the past month I have checked in with myself several times with the questions I think most valid: Do I want the position? Am I running for the right reasons (both personal and political)? Am I ready for this? (yes, and also…. a little scared) Can I temper my radicalism enough to be effective in this position? Can I use my radicalism to the advantage of my union from this position? Can I survive losing the election?

And having done that – I actually feel pretty grounded about running – probably moreso than I have for anything before this. I actually know why and how and what for a change (yes, I have past run for positions without being at all clear on what they were).

I guess the part I’m most uneasy with is the fact that opportunities for me are resulting in bad feelings for others right now, and the friendships I have in the union feel a little hollow. I know I have done nothing dishonourable in my political life recently – the trip to Colombia was nothing I politicked for (though I know people will assume I did), I am being upfront with those who should know I am running for this position, and I have been on top of the things I have promised others. Despite that, I get all knotted up when I think about telling people I am running. It’s mostly that I want everyone to “like” me which is a stupidly impossible goal in any case.

It’s all part of what I need to challenge in myself – the whole insecurity trip that affects so many of my decisions. Lately this has been somewhat better owing to successes at work – the fact I am facing Darren’s decision with as much strength as I can – good relationships with people I care about… But it’s an area where I need to be constantly vigilant or the old habits and self-deprecating behaviour just creeps right back in. I’m working on regular gratitudes and positive inner voice and I’m thinking if I keep at it, confidence will one day come a lot more naturally to me than it has for most of my life.

After a valiant struggle against one more trip to Ottawa, I sucked it up today and got back on the phone with Travel Voyage to book my tickets for next week… schedule being Tuesday – fly to Ottawa, Wed – fly to Richmond, Thurs – ferry to Vancouver Island…. a little tiring, yes – but apparently essential to two completely separate projects (and I am no less than a good worker). I have to now explain the $1700 travel authority I just submitted to my new boss who started yesterday (and who I am already skeptical of because he was strange with me this morning when I introduced myself). As much as I like being valued, there is a part of me wishing I could go back to being the weird girl in the corner cubicle who everyone pretty much ignored…. you know, the one who just built web pages?

But I’m not so stressed about it as I was a couple of weeks ago – having now recovered from my last two trips east. The work on the Island means I get free passage to see Greg and also my family since that is Father’s Day weekend and my brother has already asked if I was coming over and did I want to hang out at the Saanich Artifacts Society with him (my dad is on the board there and spends every Father’s Day directing traffic for their big hay-threshing event)…. Woot! Hay-threshing!

I’ve been a bit stiff the last few days, mostly as a result of spending Saturday and Sunday cutting fabric and sewing and then yesterday in front of a computer obsessively. Definitely feeling under-exercised in any case – so last night I did some work cleaning up my deck and potting some plants – and today I went for a nice long swim on my lunch break. I’m feeling much better this afternoon as a result – more relaxed and awake despite the fact I’ve been having interrupted sleeps for several days.

Note to self: Exercise is good.

Things have been a little stressful the last few days with some things related to Darren’s case, but overall I think I’m choosing the right ways to deal with them. I can hardly wait until I am able to get out of this enough to actually process and write publicly about what has been happening through all of this for us. Suffice to say, it has been a process of betrayal and disillusionment beyond what most people should be expected to go through. I’m lucky to have people who listen to me and remind me of what is important in my day-to-day life. I wish Darren had access to more of the same (his contact with the outside world is of course limited)…… but at least if people help me be strong then I can in turn work through things with him.

Perhaps this weekend it will be warm enough to swim in the creek. That would be good.

Today, my friend Jeremy came over for coffee before leaving the coast to go home to Bowen, and has once again blessed me with one of his carvings for my house. He and I have a bit of a tradition of “loaner” art – this is the third carving of his that I have had in one of my places – and one of my favourites. We decided it looks good propped on the woodstove for now (though once I start making fires again, I’ll have to hang it in the living room elsewhere).

Lucky me! Thanks Jeremy!

A small project (my first in months) as part of an experiment in a certain type of block piecing… A table-center for hot dishes. Despite many small errors, I do think I’m getting better at sewing, and I’m starting to get the feel for quilting with even stitches. I’ve got a long way to go to actually be good at this – but I’m enjoying the process:

Detail:

I can’t remember the last time I got as drunk as I did last night – and wow, should I ever know better than that! Started after work drinking sangria with Jess and progressed to the WISE and bottles of wine. Really felt fine until the last half hour – or the last drink – which seemed to put me over the line very quickly.

But despite the great potential for hangover, I have felt pretty good for most of the day and managed to get a major piece of information design done on one of my projects – have been pretty much intently focused on it all day – to my own surprise. This is actually one of the more creative parts of my job – like a puzzle that needs to be solved – how to organize info for the web in a way that is logical, easy to access and aligned with the objectives of my department. It basically was the framework I needed to get done in order to give the job of developing the site to someone else….

Got the draft itinerary for Colombia last night and realized that I have completely spaced on getting my passport application in. Next week it will have to be…..

Also in email news – I got a really creepy reporter request this afternoon which I have forwarded onto the lawyer cause it appears this reporter has some extra access to discovery that he shouldn’t have…. And I also got the first email from my brother ever today (we’re not in touch that often unless I go to see him) – he wanted to let me know that he just got a new job with the City of Victoria in the engineering group – which has been his goal for a long time…. So I was really happy to hear that from him, and I was also glad that he included me in his email out to the family since we often forget each other (it’s not dislike, just ambivalence). Also heard from my friend Jeremy today who is coming up to the coast for David’s party and going to swing by my place saturday for a hang-out before we go up to the creek.

Despite the drinking last night, I think my ennui of earlier this week is lifting (I took Wednesday off as a sick day cause I was so blue)…. I’m feeling again some of my value to others in the world and the critical voices in my head have been pretty quiet today…. Oh, and I’m able to laugh at the absurdity of my life again – which is a pretty essential thing in times as weird as this.