Red Cedar

Another thing I’ve been thinking about this week is support. I’m not sure how many of you know – but I’m not really supported by my family in that I live in Vancouver and am pursuing a career and a life without children…. So I can’t turn to them in any kindof crisis. This is continually highlighted as I struggle to maintain a facade of uprightness even when things are falling apart. (Cause if I actually admit to any weakness then it’s all because I’m not having kids or dating for marriage and really deep down the fact that I don’t have children indicates that I’m selfish and and and…..)

So – the support I get from my social community is exceedingly important because otherwise I feel a little orphaned in the world. I’m pretty aware that I have a highly supportive community and lots of you have been in my constellation lately. I really appreciate that. A lot. So thank-you. I hope you all know that I’m here for you too.

So yeah. I couldn’t sleep after I got home last night which means I’m working at home today. I actually intended to take a sick day, but since 9 I’ve been working through my email – so I don’t feel so guilty about not going in.

I’m having a listen-through-my-music-collection kinda day, since I’ve got all sorts of stuff in my iTunes that I pretty much never think of, plus I just downloaded some new music recently that I haven’t listened to yet. This is just the stuff *on* my computer, I have tons more on a separate hard drive which gets switched on and off the machine according to my whim of the moment. In cleaning up my collection a bit today, I had a realization that even though I’ve got a ton of indie rock, electronica and other stuff on the machine, at heart I’m really a sucker for string quartets – strings in general – but quartets in particular. Something about the balance of forces always sits in the right place center of chest for me. So really it’s turned out to be a Kronos Quartet and Cracow Klezmer Orchestra day. (Apparently the Cracow is now known as the Bester Quartet).

Really, it’s making me pine to play music again. I’m going to have to resolve that I think even though I’m already very busy – there has to be a way to fit something in that is fun and expressive again.

I think my trauma-response has come down somewhat aided by both my visit to the naturopath and a brief visit from the boy last night before I went out (no really – sex helps me destress…. it was a good thing). I was approached at work yesterday about being interested in managing part of this national project which would mean some pretty significant responsibility and role shifts for me…. and I have been getting no end of kudos recently both as a union rep and as a worker – which is helpful as well. As long as I can keep it all together and find ways to take care of myself despite the heavy working conditions….. More exercise, more beet juice, more stretching and breathing. I know. But it’s always good to hear people’s suggestions.

I am attempting to force myself into things such as going out dancing (ack! I know!) and to shows since I seem to be getting invited all over the place. Mad Professor on Friday night at the Commodore with Jeremy… something I would normally say no to all of a sudden seems like a good idea. Really. I need to work on being a human who doesn’t hate being in a crowded room with other humans.

Oh – and tomorrow night (Thursday) – Anne Feeney is playing at RIME on the Drive. She’s a great labour/folk singer type and the Flying Folk used to play with her lots (plus she covers one of our songs). I’ll be heading over there soon as I’m done my early evening meeting….. I figure I might as well have as much good social time as possible before leaving for Ottawa again next Wednesday (gone for 6 days again).

I just had a long conversation with a more senior union rep and friend about what happened last week in QCC. She pretty much told me I had to get counseling now because she thinks that I’m responding as though I’ve been in a critical incident situation – which makes sense given the way I was triggered when I was there and how I’ve felt since. Trauma girl indeed.

I’m not coping especially well today, despite the fact I slept well last night. I have an appointment for tomorrow with our workplace counseling service. This is the first time I’ve ever needed counseling arising from a union situation – and I’ve dealt with some pretty heavy scenes with members in the past.

At least it gives me some perspective on why I seem to be more acutely triggered about other things the last few days, and also why I’ve been having trouble eating. I’m going out now to buy healthy food in hopes that I will eat salad and feel better.

In the middle of writing Darren’s letter of support for sentencing – a difficult emotional task if ever there was one – and boy-1 decides to confront me online about not getting “equal time” with me cause he’s upset about boy-2. Bad timing on his part. Needless to say it didn’t end well.

Oy. I know I’m being selfish, but after the last year I just don’t feel that I can take on anyone else’s insecurities at the moment. Is it an excuse? I’m not sure, but I know that the depth of this loss reveals itself to me in new and unexpected ways almost every day…. And it doesn’t seem to me that many people beyond my closest friends understand or take that seriously. I tried to warn the boy when he came online that I was out of emotional bandwidth this morning – but he just thought I was blowing him off.

So, since boy-2 is leaving town for a couple of weeks, I think I’ll just give it a bit of a rest and focus on my election at the the beginning of February. I need to catch up on my sleep and I’ve got a backlog of work and writing to do as well.

At least it all gave me an excuse to have a good cry this morning about Joe, Rebecca, Darren and Chelsea. Sometimes I just need to lose my shit for half an hour to purge all the toxic stuff clogging the emotional passageways.

I got home, I’m okay. It’s all under control. Nothing to see here. Move along.