Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Leaping.
The sun came through my window this morning and illuminated the sunflowers resting in a vase on my table giving me the moment of dark and light in which I snapped this photo. Until then (over breakfast) I had been immersed in Fear and Trembling – one of the early existential works by Soren Kierkegaard in which he explores the nature of faith through the story of Abraham – his writing is fluid, poetic and profound on this subject and his words are carved into the stones of the road on which I am traveling. Feeling my way by text and memory, I am not able to articulate much beyond some small practices which have brought me respite during this time shot through with difficulty.
Somewhere else Kierkegaard said “faith requires nothing more than a non-rational leap into the arms of God” (a poor paraphrase I’m sure) and it was because this quote resonated so strongly that I sought out Fear and Trembling. A concept with which I have difficulty until I am reminded that the project of revolutionary anarchism or socialism is really no different, is really a blind faith of its own. As much as politics likes to dress itself in rationality and materialism, the belief that “this revolution is going to be different” is about as hopeful (and unrealistic) a proposition as they come given what we know of the histories of conflict. Not to mention observed human behaviour. And yet we make the faithful leap into the arms of Bakunin and Marx and Bookchin and Luxemburg with eyes wide, because at least we have proof of their lives and their works, no matter how frail their premises were.
This post is no declaration of one loyalty switched for another, for what matters to me now has always mattered. Reminded of this over the weekend as I ate and sipped gin with my oldest friends around a fire – I am assured of my place in the world by small moments. If only they were *all* moments, which perhaps is the real struggle here. A sustained belief rather than one in glimpses and starts. These are the only fragments I can elicit right now – bits and pieces of transitional thought.
I leave you here a passage from this morning’s reading, because it caught me in the throat when I read it:
If a consciousness of the eternal were not implanted in man; if the basis of all that exists were but a confusedly fermenting element which, convulsed by obscure passions, Produced all, both the great and the insignificant; if under everything there lay a bottomless void never to be filled what else were life but despair? If it were thus, and if there were no sacred bonds between man and man; if one generation arose after another, as in the forest the leaves of one season succeed the leaves of another, or like the songs of birds which are taken up one after another; if the generations of man passed through the world like a ship passing through the sea and the wind over the desert—a fruitless and a vain thing; if eternal oblivion were ever greedily watching for its prey and there existed no power strong enough to wrest it from its clutches—how empty were life then, and how dismal!
Long hikes.
I need to do a couple of long hikes between now and when I leave for my trip at the end of August. Preferably one this weekend and one next. 12-15 km. Any takers or am I hiking alone? (I’m thinking at least of Diez Vistas for one of the hikes – it’s a killer workout and the trail is varied). Also probably will do some shorter/easier ones such as Norvan Falls. Let me know.
Work life.
I’m almost a month into my new job working on this national website redevelopment project and I’ve almost cleared all the stuff from the old job off my desk, hired a new person this week to take up some of the slack, and gotten through a bunch of mind-muddling bureaucracy of the type I have an inborn resistance to. Although I have been working at my project since the beginning of the month, I finally feel like I can put my full attention to it now – and that is exciting. And a bit scary. It’s one of those big jobs that requires me to put my creative intelligence to work in a way I haven’t been asked to in awhile. Information mapping, architectures, potential application development…. these things I need to be clear on before I go to do the big battle of changing the way we do web (which by any estimation is poorly, which one would think people want to change).
I am surprised at how much of a shift this is, even though I am in the same cube (or working from home), with the same people around me. The change is in no longer reporting through the same structure and a new outlay of expectations and responsibilities in front of me – which gives me that little bit of necessary distance from the regional office politics and disappointments of the last year. It also gives me a whole new set of problems to solve, and although daunting, I am always happier in the state of charting a new course than being forced to follow someone else.
So, apparently I am plotting things correctly, and at least my boss back east seems quite pleased with all my ideas so far. They seem a bit crazy, some of them, but as long as I can back them up with the why and how then they will at least merit some discussion at the top. We’ll see. We could come out of this with some pretty significant new tools for those involved in our field of research and decision-making. But not if we don’t get people onside – which is the larger part of the game than just thinking up a bunch of cool ideas.
It’s strange really, I’ve been working for the same outfit for over eight years now, and every time I have come close to leaving out of boredom or frustration, a new internal opportunity comes along at just the right time and saves me. The only thing keeping me going in the past year was my union involvement, my job life had become so unsatisfying and I was starting to apply out for other work again, when along comes an offer that makes me recommit to my work and my workplace. And it’s not the first time. I’ve been lucky that way I guess – and with the job market the way it is (professional admin/communications are hard to hire these days) I expect I should be able to continue to reshape roles over the next several years of work. Failing the apocalypse that is.
And you know, I am grateful for this privilege of work in a world of so much marginal labour – grateful that during times of emotional turmoil I have this work-thing to focus on; a stability in an otherwise shaky life which gives my days a shape and my life a security. Strange to me that I have hung in here this long, but not at all a regret – though I also suspect this is my last big project before I go elsewhere – a couple more years to savour this easiness of place and path.
Note to self.
I do not thrive on conflict. Not at all.
An open letter.
An open letter, reflecting on the recent Green Scare hearings;
It has come to my attention in the past few weeks both through my involvement with the Resist! Collective, as well as by the insistent emails from friends, that there has been quite a bit of talk circulating since the close of the Green Scare hearings in Eugene at the beginning of June. Some time ago, I made promises to post a statement at the conclusion of those hearings, and yet it has been more than a month since my return from Eugene. Unfortunately, my silence has only allowed the critical voices to grow and the misinformation about Darren to spread. Part of my reticence in writing comes from a fear of provoking more backlash against myself or others, but this of course is not all. Pride, resentment and anger have all played into my unwillingness to speak openly in the aftermath of the court hearings, a childish resistance which has no place in the building of honest and ethical community.
For those of you who do not know me, I have run Darren Thurston’s support committee and website since his arrest in December 2005, and have a close association with some others indicted in the Green Scare case including Chelsea, Joe and Rebecca. This is only one facet of my long history of activism, but it is that which is most salient to this letter. Since his decision to co-operate with the US Government’s investigation into the ALF/ELF early last summer, there have been a lot of allegations made about Darren and others which are either untrue or overblown in order to paint a particular picture. I would like to start here by explaining the truth as I have understood it as a participant and supporter in this case, then briefly talk about the personal effects of this situation, and also the greater ethics of our political movements. A dissertation this is not, I will try to be brief but thorough.
Red Cedar 