Red Cedar

I do not thrive on conflict. Not at all.

An open letter, reflecting on the recent Green Scare hearings;

It has come to my attention in the past few weeks both through my involvement with the Resist! Collective, as well as by the insistent emails from friends, that there has been quite a bit of talk circulating since the close of the Green Scare hearings in Eugene at the beginning of June. Some time ago, I made promises to post a statement at the conclusion of those hearings, and yet it has been more than a month since my return from Eugene. Unfortunately, my silence has only allowed the critical voices to grow and the misinformation about Darren to spread. Part of my reticence in writing comes from a fear of provoking more backlash against myself or others, but this of course is not all. Pride, resentment and anger have all played into my unwillingness to speak openly in the aftermath of the court hearings, a childish resistance which has no place in the building of honest and ethical community.

For those of you who do not know me, I have run Darren Thurston’s support committee and website since his arrest in December 2005, and have a close association with some others indicted in the Green Scare case including Chelsea, Joe and Rebecca. This is only one facet of my long history of activism, but it is that which is most salient to this letter. Since his decision to co-operate with the US Government’s investigation into the ALF/ELF early last summer, there have been a lot of allegations made about Darren and others which are either untrue or overblown in order to paint a particular picture. I would like to start here by explaining the truth as I have understood it as a participant and supporter in this case, then briefly talk about the personal effects of this situation, and also the greater ethics of our political movements. A dissertation this is not, I will try to be brief but thorough.

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Last week was a weird few days, culminating in drinking too much and having a bit of a freak out. I know – me – freaking out – can you believe it? Anyhow, I’m better now. Still having weird dreams and some annoying obsessive compulsive behaviour but feeling much more grounded overall. And productive. And not so afraid.

I would like to blame it all on the hearings, you know, aftermath etc. But that would be dishonest. It’s not that. It’s not even mostly that. The hearings are just the most convenient and recent focal point for the tarry muck that runs in place of my blood, a pin prick and it oozes forth. But in a year there will be something else. And another after that. Such is trauma – original and then compounded, rolled flat and picked off in pieces like a scab. And mine likes to be fed. Greedy thing that it is, always hungry. And as much as I want it to go away, I can’t imagine being without it – a parasite so changing its host that to lose it is to risk diminishment. Isn’t that why we hold onto our sufferings so? Because we do not know how to be without them frustrating and comforting both.

When I am well and balanced. In high spirits as I am today, I can not understand my madness one whit (for this is, you know, a small madness). Can not understand why I want it so, or allow it to veil the world and mute its colour. And as certain as I am that everybody has this in them, I am equally certain that everybody does not.

I am thankful at least that I get long reprieves and function well. I wonder if I can keep this balance forever or if I must one day make a choice.

It certainly feels like Monday, what with the rain and all, but according to Environment Canada the weather is looking up and up as of this evening or tomorrow. Sunny skies, warmer temperatures, and I’ve got my car back so I can get out of town this weekend. Not that I’m going anywhere particularly grand, but I am due for a trip to the island to see friends and family. I figure I should be going often this summer as come fall I will be primarily traveling other places.

And I find myself eager for this – the trips east and north and south in the not-distant future – and wondering. Knowing when I am on the road all the time it is awfully hard on my nervous system, but somehow preferring it to week-in/week-out in the same place. Though when I really explore that, I suspect it is more a frustration with coming into the office and my appointed cube every day that I dislike. When I am home and ambling, I do not feel quite so stuck and needing to leave. Perhaps it really is just the beige walls closing in on me and nothing more.

Looking at my calendar, I am heartened to note that I am out of the office almost the whole last two weeks of August between union meetings and vacation. I still find it hard to believe that I’ve got 10 days booked off for the Marble Mountains (7 days of which will be spent hiking), plus another trip to the Walbran scheduled.

This week is full of work that I am dreading, resentful of and feel stuck about. Mainly union hearings to prepare for and bureaucratic paperwork for my employer (not to mention a whole day of interviews on Wednesday). I really look forward to stepping down as union stewart entirely for awhile (once I start traveling in September I will be bowing out of that role entirely and with plausible excuse), as I’ve gotten a bit burnt out from it lately. But until then, I just have to buckle down to it. On the bright side, I expect that once this week is done I will feel awfully accomplished.

For the record (and this is not poetic in the slightest).

I am tired of always doing the right thing. I wish I was meaner, or less empathic. I want to be harder and able to turn away. I am exhausted by my own internal conflict. I want to shed this need to struggle on behalf of others.

So how come it feels like this is just my work anyways? There’s no escaping it when it finds me in every aspect of my life. Damn. It finds me when I’m just walking down the street. Which says something about my ego-needs really, because I respond to it. I respond to it every time.

But today, okay. Just for today. I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like going to bat for anyone. I don’t feel like making this phone call and having a conflict on behalf of someone else’s complaint. I don’t feel like mediating this situation anymore. Or anyone’s. Just for today.