Work isn't fun all the time.

Work has been a bit of a roller-coaster this week, though if I tried to describe it here in detail I’m sure your eyes would glaze over. What’s exciting when you are mired in the drama is less so once drowned in unintelligible acronyms and explanations of the complicated bureaucracy I work under. So I’ll just say that it’s been a week of challenge, working late and some upset with decisions being made above me – and last night before I left work I opened my big mouth (by email) and this morning I see that message has been forwarded to my top-level boss in Ottawa (very removed from me). So we’ll see what happens with that.

After nine years in my ever-changing job I find myself very territorial about the work I do and the direction that I want to see it go. That is both a positive and a negative for my bosses. That I consider myself a peer rather than a subordinate to pretty much everyone is also a bit of a problem at times.

Fortunately none of this will get me fired.

I’ve got ten hours of union meetings ahead of me today which will be their own source of aggravation, but at least it’s a reprieve from the office. After yesterday I need a time-out.

What I've been reading

I’ve been reading like a madwoman lately – a frenetic period of literary gorging that I suspect is winding down. (How can I tell? I’m actually reading a book at a leisurely pace for the first time in a month instead of hungrily speeding through each page). It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a reading list, so here is some of mine for the first part of 2008. In order of most recently read:

American Gods: A Novel | Neil Gaiman | 2003
A year ago I read Anansi Boys which was amusing and enjoyable but not anywhere near as gripping as this first book on the theme. The theme of course being that the Gods are as real as you or I, sire children with humans, and have their own struggles to contend with. American Gods turns on the premise that the old country Gods are in a struggle of epic proportions against the new American Gods – television, the internet, money, etc. One man just released from prison is drawn into the battle, a courier for one side, and it’s his story that takes the reader through the warped mirror and onto the “backstage” where the Gods exist in their true form, where his dead wife walks and where his own true nature is revealed. Really, a great plot, a twisted sense of humour and an intelligently written story. Who can resist this?

His Illegal Self | Peter Carey | 2008
You know when you have a favourite author whose turn of phrase and well-crafted characters you admire more than most? And you know how it is when you pick up every new work by that author prepared to be drawn in and charmed by the sheer literary magnitude of their work? If so, then you also know what it’s like to be let down by such a writer you admire so much. And unfortunately this is a book that let me down. While Carey’s writing is strong and use of metaphor as striking as always in this work, his secondary character makes a decision early on that I never understood and this propels the rest of the story. I don’t want to write too much about the plot because I hate spoilers – but suffice to say I will never understand why Anna Xenos runs and effectively kidnaps Che rather than just returning him to the FBI. I realize that people don’t always make the most logical decisions but Carey doesn’t really produce a compelling motivation for Anna’s turn and really that ruined it for me. The character of Che (a 7-year old boy) however is very believable and quite tragic, which was the salvaging characteristic. As I said, the writing is beautiful but the plot was a little thin. I suppose not every book can be a Booker winner though.

The Devil in the White City Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair That Changed America | Erik Larson | 2003
I picked this up on a whim because I was looking for something a bit different, and I was not disappointed. A non-fiction tale weaving together the lives of the main architect of the 1893 World’s Fair (Daniel Burnham) and a prolific serial killer working the Chicago area (HH Holmes) – Larson managers to paint a vivd picture of the end of the 19th century and the emergence of a new America as foreshadowed by both men’s actions. While normally I wouldn’t pick up a book about a man like Holmes, Larson manages to downplay the more sensationalistic aspects of his crimes while dramatizing the chaos surrounding the creation and opening of the World’s Fair. The writing is concise and the story carried along at a good pace, so much so that it seemed like a surprise when I got to the last chapter about the fair itself. It’s over so quick? Interesting anyhow.

Bodies and Souls The Tragic Plight of Three Jewish Women Forced into Prostitution in the Americas | Isabel Vincent | 2007
Now here’s a topic I knew next to nothing about – the trade in white sex trade workers in South America from the 1860s until after World War I. It was during this period that many young girls from the shtetls of Eastern Europe were either tricked into shame marriages or bought from their fathers, and then put onto boats headed for “America” only to end up in the bordellos of Argentina, Brazil and other South American ports. In crafting her story, Vincent chronicles the lives of three Jewish girls in this journalistic look at the trade in women – and while the subject matter is not happy stuff – she is never maudlin in the telling. In particular she chooses to focus on the association of Jewish prostitutes that formed in Rio de Janeiro (likely the only of its kind to ever exist) which existed to provide burial rites and other social services for each other. A story knitted from sad tales, the reader is still left with a positive sense of the resiliency that exists even in the worst situations. It is an unfortunately incomplete history because of the lack of records and living witnesses, but Vincent does an admirable job of telling the story with what she has and bringing it to life with the documents that do exist.

Baudolino | Umberto Eco | 2001
I really struggled with Focault’s Pendulum years ago and as a result had pretty much sworn off Eco. I was willing to wade through his material in the academic context, but when it comes to reading I want a reprieve from aggravation, not more of it. But this one was recommended to me as worth tackling, and I found it cheap secondhand – so against all odds, Baudolino made it into my reading stack. And am I ever glad it did! Part historical fiction, part historical fairy-tale this story traces the exploits of Baudolino, fictional adventurer of the middle ages, and his band of compatriots who serve the Roman Emperor Frederick as they go in search of the legendary Prester John. Compelling accounts of the Emperor’s many wars, the crusades and the sacking of Constantinople are woven together with the tall tales of mythical creatures as Baudolino recounts his life for a listener on the eve of the fourth crusade. What makes his fictions interesting, is that the legends he recounts are those that were very much believed at the time (the existence of Prester John’s kingdom in the far east for example) and the philosophical/religious/political debates of the period are enjoyably-covered in the course of the story. While the writing isn’t particularly lyrical, and I think using the “story-teller” narrative to move things along is cheating a bit, the story is certainly a fantastical one and fun to read.

The Icarus Girl | Helen Oyeyemi | 2007
The Icaraus Girl is a tale of the psychological drama of eight-year-old Jessamy, part-Nigerian and part-British, growing up in modern day London. Always a loner, a girl who hides in linen closets for hours at a time and is prone to screaming fits in class, Jessamy’s life takes a turn when her parents take her to Nigeria for her 8th birthday and she encounters an otherworldly figure (which is perhaps her own split person) -TillyTilly who then follows her back home. While TillyTilly is at first a friendly creature, she quickly becomes a dark force in Jessamy’s life and a number of accidents follow from TillyTilly’s increasing control. Nigerian folklore and family secrets are at the apex of resolving Jessamy’s psychological crisis (or whatever exactly it is that is really going on). I enjoyed this story somewhat, and it *is* impressive that an 18-year old could write such a first novel, but at times I found the pace slow and was disappointed that there were not more clues given as to TillyTilly’s real nature. (You can read TillyTilly either as a supernatural being or as a manifestation of Jessamy’s distress and neither is explored properly which leaves a rich plot motivation completely unmined). An interesting novel but not a first choice for me in the end.

The Chameleon’s Shadow | Minette Walters | 2007
I used to really like Minette Walters mysteries and so my mom gives them to me as gifts every once and awhile even though her last two or three books have left me cold. This one was no exception, the story of a disfigured vet returning from Iraq who seems to be dogged by a serial killer who attacks older gay men. It seems he’s the culprit, whether he remembers the events or not and the reader is left guessing until the end. And the reason you are left guessing is because the ending is so implausible that you would never be able to logic out the motivation or the actions of the killer. I wouldn’t bother with this even though it’s a fast read – the writing is nothing special and the plot is even worse.

Londonstani | Gautam Malkani | 2007
I would have never picked this up on my own, but it came as a gift so I read it. It’s definitely an interesting novel – a tale of a young man’s struggle inside the Desi sub-culture in working class Britain (Jas) – it is thick with the patois of these young gangsters organized into petty circles of thuggery and theft. Religious dynamics, family problems and eventual betrayal all come to play on Jas as he struggles for self and community acceptance – but by the end of the book it seems he has come full circle and is no further ahead in understanding himself or where he belongs in the world (something I was frustrated by). I think if I was a younger male reader I would have really enjoyed this book a lot more, however, as I found it impossible to relate to the characters, particularly their violence which I found disturbing in its pointlessness. I realize that some youth subculture is like that but I don’t much want to read the blow by blow of blood and humiliation. But that’s just me. It’s a well-written book for its genre.

Atonement | Ian McEwan | 2002
I picked this up in LA at the airport because there was not one other thing in the magazine shop I could stand the idea of reading. I’m not going to detail the plot here since it’s just been released as a movie – but I will say I didn’t really enjoy this book. The writing is fine, but mostly I couldn’t identify with any of the characters and found them all insufferable on some level. Which meant that I didn’t want to read about them much. Because I can never put down a book before it’s finished, I raced to the end but really wasn’t sure why I bothered.

Water for Elephants: Sarah Gruen
I loved this book. It’s about the dark underworld of the 1930s circus and love and the redemption of those honest and true. This lives up to all the hype, it’s beautiful and while at times it might get you down the resolution is brimming with hope and light. If you read anything next, this one is a quick and entrancing tale.

Why I don't blog for money.

I’ve noticed lately a whole crop of new services aimed at bloggers who want to make a living from their output. Google Ads having become a common decorating scheme for many blogs and websites, those always-on-the-move advertisers have started buying into pay-per-post schemes instead. Which sounds like what it is: Advertisers purchase posts in which popular (and not so popular) bloggers write about how much they use or want to use a particular product. Of course they include links to the product homepage and the blogger is paid on the standard two criteria – their general readership (more readers, more money) and number of click-throughs to the site of the sponsor.

A recently growing phenomena, I have come across a number of sites involved in pay-per-post, and even blogs that seem to be nothing but pay-per-post articles in the last few weeks. And quite frankly, I find it pretty insulting – particularly when the writer fails to mention that their posts are sponsored. Like I am supposed to believe that even if they weren’t getting paid for it they would still be shilling for product x because they are so fond of it. These posts are often well-disguised as legitimate writings with links interspersed throughout, but it is painfully obvious that if the writer wasn’t getting paid they wouldn’t be writing about that subject at all (the funniest one I’ve seen was for flights to Egypt written by an American who obviously had no real interest in going there or clue as to where it was – now there’s the way to sell travel tickets!) One service that pays for “product reviews” (write what you really think!) is quite candid when it says that poor reviews for a product will probably not be paid for – eg. you can only write what you think if the company likes what you think. Now that is *some* artistic license.

I have a respectable readership to this blog (not huge, but respectable) and so according to the pay-per-post rules I would be welcome to participate and make some money with my blog. Woo hoo! Three dollars or more per post! Because I have a readership to sell to advertisers. Uh huh. That’s right. They aren’t buying your writing people, they are buying your readers despite all the hype about getting paid for your craft. Some of the worst-written blogs have pay-per-post going on. These advertisers don’t care where their links get slapped up – as long as it’s in a positive context and get some traffic. And your readers make good traffic.

But here’s the thing. If you want loyal readers, you have to be loyal to them. And I’m not sure that selling my readers to advertisers is all that loyal. Nor is pretending to hold opinions I don’t in order to make some company a bit more money. I mean, this all involves some trickery, some core dishonesty to make you all believe that I use product X or want to go to country Y. And for what? A few dollars per post? Talk about whoring yourself out for almost nothing. You’re not even being loyal to yourself in that context.

I know, I know. There are some people who feel that because they contribute “content” to the Internet they should be able to derive a paycheque from it. And there are those who do – popular bloggers who write material that is of interest to a wide variety of readers and thus have made a tidy sum through Google Ads and banner-clicks. I have less of a problem with this because at least the ads look like ads. And really, if the blog is taking up several hours a day in research and writing then it has become a lot more like a business than this one is to me. But the vast majority of bloggers aren’t in this boat. An unbelievable amount of blog “content” on the web is poorly written and unoriginal – which is fine as far as it goes, self-expression and all that – but do people really think they should be getting paid for it?

In any case, I didn’t start blogging to make extra dollars, and I’m not about to sell myself or you out in order to do so now. It’s important to me that I post here honestly and if I review a book or some music it’s because I wanted to do so, not because I got paid for it. My writing, to a large extent, is me. It represents who I am and what I think. I can’t imagine why I would sell that or the people who want to read it for any amount of money.

What is love?

“Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

It’s not often I post about love, and I can’t remember ever observing a Valentine’s Day theme before this year – but I’ve been mulling over a conversation I had a couple months ago and the timing seems right for writing about it here.

At Kyla’s in December we had a solstice party that ended with a small group of us drinking around the fire in her backyard. It was the usual crew of folks, most of whom I know from my punk rock past, trading stories about screwy pickups in our early twenties. From laughing about some of the weirder situations we had found ourselves in (including one person’s story of waking up in a field at Beacon Hill park wondering how he had ended up there when he clearly remembered going to a woman’s house the night before) the conversation turned to relationships, or crushes. I can’t remember who said it first, but there was a comment thrown out there about how much it sucked to fall in love with someone who wasn’t in love with you. The typical unrequited thing we all know.

Thinking back to Greg, I said yeah, that’s the worst. Nothing makes you feel more pathetic than being with someone who doesn’t reciprocate the strong feelings that you have. Not just pathetic either, but soul-crushed, despondent, and self-hating – but I kept those remarks to myself since I didn’t feel like opening up right then.

General commiserating all around except for Gabe who then said, “What are you talking about? Love isn’t something you have by yourself.” (Side note: I enjoy Gabe dearly but beyond some fun drinking times he is about the last person who I expect to find myself in a philosophical discussion about love with). “Of course you can,” I replied, “You know when every part of you wants someone but they aren’t all that interested in you – or they enjoy you but clearly aren’t going to fall in love? You haven’t been there?”

“Yeah, of course I’ve been there,” he said, “but that’s not love, that’s something else.”

Okay, I shrugged and he went on to explain that from his perspective love was something that two people created together. One-sided attraction was something more akin to lust, want, desire – but not love – no matter how long it went on for. The way he talked about it made me think about the love being a third separate thing created in between the two parties as opposed to emotion contained within the individual to be met by another individual. Perhaps like a plant that springs up with the desire to be tended and nurtured. Perhaps like a delicate ball of crystal that needs to be jointly held and protected.

I’d never really considered that before. But I took the conversation with me , and have thought about it over the past couple of months as my new relationship has developed. Can there be love that is not answered? Or is it like Gabe said, a reciprocal emotion incapable of existing in a single entity? When I examine unrequited “love” in my past it is characterized by yearning, jealousy, and needs unmet that burn my own self-image more than anything else. Not at all the same as being met by another who appreciates you as much you appreciate them. Nothing like feeling the great responsiblity of mutual nurture and kindness. And the contentedness. The calmness of being seen whole by a person as recognizable as your own image in the mirror.

These can’t possibly be the same emotion can they? The symptoms so incredibly far apart from one another – and yet I have mistaken one for the other more than once in my life. I suspect a lot of people do as my perusal of advice columns would suggest.

There really can be no definitive to something as ephermeral as an emotion or a state of being, but the perspective I gained from that conversation has helped me to sort through some of my feelings about both my past relationship and present one. It’s a way of visualizing that emotional space with an eye to maintaining it and the need for both parties involved to keep the focus on that third presence rather than experience it solitude. And while I don’t believe in fate or destiny, I do know that when you are holding that same precious thing between you, in this world it is the closest one ever gets to magic.

Greedy for books.

I am greedy for books right now. Obsessive, grasping, conjuring up lists of things I want to have read. It’s not enough that I could read them in the future, I want them now. A vibration, a titillation when I look at book lists or walk into a book store. I want to have read them all, I can’t stand that thought that there is so much good I haven’t read. I don’t want to wait. I can’t read fast enough. It’s a little overwhelming, but it’s a familiar feeling and I know it passes eventually.

I’m not sure what causes it, because my consumptive desires are generally minimal – but books are the exception, triggering my “need to possess” instincts like no other material good. I currently have a long “wish list” hampered only by the large stack that needs to be read before I acquire more. It’s not enough to just borrow books (though I do), acquisition for the shelves is a large part of the pleasure – especially if the books carry an aesthetic on top of their literary pleasure. (McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern comes to mind here – having elevated the book fetish to a whole new level with their ever-changing publication designs.)

Despite the fact I was hyperactive, books formed a major part of my childhood and adolescence (I was a precocious reader – always far ahead of my grade level and reading adult fiction by the age of ten). But it wasn’t until I met Gerald who I moved in with at 18 (he was some years older than me, but that’s a digression) that I realized the desire to own a fantastic collection of books. I still clearly remember going to his room at the house on Fairfield road for the first time with its shelves and stacks of books taking up most of the available space. I sat there on the edge of the futon mattress on the floor that night and spent hours looking over the novels and art books and texts on every subject that he had accumulated (mostly through mail order while living as a hermit in Ocean Falls), and I felt then this desire for a collection like that. A collection so beautiful in its diversity – a private library of magical things.

And it wasn’t that I coveted *his* collection, because I never wanted his books despite the fact that I lived in that room with him for ten months, absorbing many of them into me – but I wanted a collection of my own that was just as precious as that.

In those years I was very poor and moved around a lot, but I started my collecting then with cheap second-hand novels – keeping only my favourites while discarding the ones not worth moving. I collected the odd special book as well (editions of Re/Search and a few graphic novels) but they were expensive and far between. And then I started in college and added those texts worth re-reading to the shelf, university too was like that with the addition of political histories and analysis (many of which my ex-husband took when he moved out). From there my interests expand as my income does and in the last several years of a good job I have more than doubled my collection adding more graphic novels, art books, photography manuals, poetry collections, novels, erotic short stories and creative non-fictions.

To look at my bookshelf is to look at stages of my life, my interests and my desires over time – an archeological dig of inner life. Which I suppose is why I like to acquire books rather than simply read them – because they are reminders to me of where I have been more than anything else I own. I am comforted when I look over the shelves and recognize when and where I picked something up and what that book meant to me at the time I first read it. Or the precious gifts I have found or been given of rare editions evoking the lineage of thought each time I thumb through them – how many have absorbed these words before me? The bookshelf is also a way of showing myself to others – proving my history to those who have entered my home for the first time.

I go through stages now of acquisition, sometimes reading a book every two days, and others where I can’t focus on any page no matter how rich the prose. Right now is one of my more frantic periods of reading and coveting more, more, more. Each book to be read and then placed on one of the shelves to be read again or lent should the request arise – many of my friends are glad for this collecting lust I have because it means a great lending library for them. (Incidentally, I got one of the best gifts ever for my birthday which was a custom-engraved stamp with my name on it to tag my books with before lending them out. I am so pleased with it I want to stamp all my books immediately!)

I suppose it’s not something to have guilt over, but just a part of me. It’s nice too that Brian has the same obsessive book collecting habits because I feel less freakish about it – though I worry that we might one day live in a house overwhelmed by bookshelves (worry or delight in the thought of it?) 😉