Thirty-six years old today and sitting in a hotel room in Ottawa. Something I’ve done a lot in the last couple of years; this hotel room, this city, this life of back and forth. But this time is a little different because it’s not part of a continuum of every month going back and forth. This trip is for a union role that will last for this week and then I will come home for awhile. BC for the next few months at least. And hopefully will be selling and buying and moving in with Brian in that time before the next round of travel starts anew (for it will, though I’m not sure for what purpose yet).
I have no idea what this year of my life is supposed to be about yet, two major projects in my life are closing off in the next few weeks – work and union projects that had defined timelines and are coming to their natural (and blessed) end, and I’m not sure what will open up beyond. Though I am pretty positive I’ve got lots on the horizon and it’s nice (for the first time in a long while) to be unsure about what those things might be.
What I do know at this moment of writing is that I’ve got a good job with lots of potential directions, a future in my union of some sort, and a loving partner who supports me with his whole heart and being. I’ve got good friends and a relatively intact family, a decent place to live, and enough in my pocket to give support to those in my life in times of need. And besides all of that I’ve got books and writing and music and nature enough to fill my mind and soul for the forseeable years to come.
Which could all change in a blink. I realize. But for what I have and don’t have now I am grateful and secure that this year will be interesting at least, and most likely very productive. Not to mention loving, and fun, and weird, and all those things that keep me intrigued and happy. It’s bedtime here and I am alone, but happy in the knowledge that there are wonderful people and things to return home to at week’s end.
I’m reading and thinking a lot these days but for some reason when it comes to putting it down on paper I’m all blank stares. It’s laziness I think – so much easier to talk to Brian about the failed ideology of unlimited growth than actually write about it. The problem is, when I don’t get stuff out of my head and into writing then I seem to dream a lot more. I suppose both are really just a form of processing when you get right down to it, and there’s a lot to process in the world these days. Not to mention the fact I’ve been thinking lots about these Saramago posts and doing little bits of research here and there to lend to them, plus reading two books at the moment, working like crazy, and also trying to get myself in order to leave town on Sunday for another Ottawa jaunt. Okay, so that’s a lot.
One thing I’ve been right back into lately is working out, which is the only thing I’ve really got going on at the moment to counter the cerebral self (okay, well that and sex which is both physical and cerebral). I started to get a bit slack in December what with the snow and the holidays and work – knowing full well that could only go on so long before I would have to kick my own ass into gear. I am glad to say that I returned to my workout schedule with a bit more zeal than I had back in the fall and I’m already seeing the effects of that. Only three weeks of bodysculpt classes (overall tone and strength conditioning which practically kills me) and I’m already seeing stronger shoulders and arms. This is very exciting to someone who has almost never been able to pull off a properly-formed pushup in her life!
I’ve got a mixed routine going on at the moment – couple days of swimming, kickboxing once a week, bodysculpt once a week, and a couple days of cardio machine and strength workouts. After years of on and off gym going I’ve found this works best for me because I don’t get bored if I’m doing lots of different stuff, and all parts of my body are challenged at least once during the week. I am really aiming to lose another 10-15 pounds in the next few months which means not only the exercise but meticulous calorie counting to follow. Fun times.
But there it is. I’ve written here before about this process and the reasons for it – since starting this process in June of 2008 my arthritis aches have all but disappeared (except in my hips) and the mild sleep apnea I was suffering from has disappeared (no more snoring or choking in my sleep!) So this calorie counting and sweating stuff, and I’m looking forward to taking my back-in-shape body on some long hiking trips with Brian this summer.
I’m writing about it today because I’ve realized that despite my gym-diligence in the last few weeks, my eating hasn’t been great. Not horrendous, but not great – and as a result my weight has plateaued since early December. So in the last few days I’ve been recommitting myself to get back on the course of intentional eating which really does make me feel better even when I can’t have every single thing I want. I really do like being smaller, and healthier, and having more energy and less health worries that extend into my future. The question is, can I keep going in the right direction?
This is going to be a short one just to say that I am still around and simply not posting because work has been far too busy of late. I have my second installment of “Reading Saramago during the collapse” halfway written and hope to finish it this weekend, and am hoping in general to get some writing done in the next few days.
But I’m really doing quite well, am very focused on my project at work which has become all-consuming as we close down the last two months until deadline (which we’re not going to meet, but we have to be mostly there right?)
Brian’s house of course (in this market and time of year) is sitting unsold and I’m trying not to let it get to me – even planning to move in there if things continue to decline into the summer. There does come a point at which he simply can’t afford to sell and I think we’re pretty clear about what that point is. At the same time I don’t want such an important aspect of our relationship progression be completely at the whims of the marketplace – so if it means moving in to his place for a year until things get better then it’s just what makes the most sense. We’re still hoping it doesn’t come down to that, but the fact I’m feeling okay with it as a possibility is making the whole scenario much easier to deal with.
I’ve been having a lot of symbolic dreams lately about selling houses and overcoming obstacles, and while I don’t believe in dreams as prognostications, it is clear my subconscious is working overtime to calm my psyche down and it’s working (thankfully). I feel really quite clear and resolved at the moment, much more in charge of myself and my work, and really ready to face the next few months of hard work and running about.
More real writing here shortly. I’m excited about where the Saramago post is going.