I was looking for a wedding song for a friend, tossing around the idea of putting a poem to music rather than doing a conventional/ridiculous love song. Found this, and although it’s not what I needed it moved me to share it. Mary Oliver is on the top of my favourite poets list these days.
The Summer Day
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean–
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down–
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is is you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?
Mary Oliver
Last night I reached a breaking point. You know, the kind that leaves you paralyzed, teary and raging angry all at the same time? Yeah, one of those. Problem being, I let things build up and build up, pretending everything is fine…. and when it stops being fine all of a sudden, all that pent-up energy just comes roaring out and I’m an inarticulate, sobbing mess by the end. I don’t particularly want to go into details here, but I’ve got a situation with someone who I thought I was doing a favour for and rather than just saying cool, and getting on with things, he has spent the last year complaining to me about my actions every time I talk to him. I can not, in fact, recall a single conversation in the last year that had to do with much else than what I should be doing more in the situation (ie: what I am *not* doing right now).
And so, even though I’ve just done another favour by forgiving something, I had the same complaint last night about something I haven’t done that I’ve heard about 25 times already (a simple task that I can not complete until a much more complex task is completed and he knows that) – and I snapped. I’m sick of being treated like a bad person in a situation where I am doing all that I can, and that’s essentially what I said – though not so eloquently as I would have liked.
Which leads me to wondering about what to do next. It seems that to ever be in a situation of being able to help someone else (ie: a place of privilege) just leads to resentment and ultimately bad treatment, and this isn’t the first time I’ve been confronted by this seeming contradiction. It’s not that I want to be recognized for being decent, but I certainly don’t want to be pilloried for it. Which makes me think the only way out is to clearly set boundaries on thes type of help I can give friends. As in, I can not provide financial help, but I’m a good listener. While I may want to give financial help when I can, it will go to strangers who I will never meet and therefore can not resent me as an individual or treat me badly because of it.
But this is all very antithetical to my belief system which is from each according to their means, to each according to their needs – which shouldn’t be impersonal at its core but practiced in daily life, in communities of mutual aid. Right? Perhaps. Unfortunately this particular situation has destroyed a friendship, and I am forced to formalize every transaction from hereon out in order to distance my emotional self from a situation that is quite frankly dragging me down with every iteration. Any thoughts about this cycle? I’d really like to find a way to both provide support to friends who need it but set limits on what can be expected of me without sounding rude or inconsiderate. I’m not sure how to strike this balance.
Now here’s a weird outcome of the recession: it seems that lots more people in the US are refusing the claim the bodies of family members so they don’t have to pay for their funerals. Which is apropos of nothing else in my life – I just thought it interesting enough to share.
It’s been a bit of an unmotivated time for me, lack of sleep over the weekend leading to a bit of a depressive fritz over the last few days. But I’m feeling somewhat better today and I expect that trend to continue as I head to Victoria over the weekend and out kayaking early next week. I think beyond lack of sleep, August is not a month I particularly like – too aimless somehow, too undirected. The tail-end of summer, everything is drying up and starting to go to seed. The general malaise that seems to dominate people around. I find it hard to care about much in August. Tiring. And unfortunately it’s how I’ve been feeling the past week.
I am glad about the fact I’ve got another week of holidays coming up next week and that I’ve got plans to spend lots of time with Brian and with other friends. I feel like it’s time for a reset in general. Resettting goals, plans, and commitments…. I’m thinking upon my return from holidays I will be doing just that.
About three-quarters of the way through Zoe Heller’s recent novel The Believers I realized that not only did I not like (or believe) any of the book’s characters, but none of them were going to be redeemed by the end either. Indeed, a bitter moment as I plowed my way through to the end of the book just to see what horrible behaviours she did ascribe to them right up until the last pages. Fortunately it’s a quick read as there isn’t much here in the way of deep concept to slow the reader down.
The Believers is the tale of the Litvinoff family: Patriarch Joel Litvinoff, radical Jewish NYC lawyer (think William Kunstler if he had lived until 2008), his wife Audrey – cynical British ex-pat who espouses revolution even as she inwardly curses having to be friendly with the maid, and the adult children: do-gooder daughters Rosa and Karla, and Lenny the crack-addicted adopted child of a father who blew himself up in his NYC townhouse making revolutionary bombs and a mother imprisoned for a seventies-era bank robbery (that’s some original stuff there!) The novel traces the events after Joel’s stroke which lands him comatose for several months in the hospital while the rest of the characters pursue their own dilemmas, discovering family weaknesses and secrets along the way.
At first glance, I thought this would be an interesting read, particularly as I’m acquainted with the left and its problematic personalities. And for sure, Heller nails these folks as caricatures early on in the book – which is exactly the problem for a character-driven plot – they remain caricatures throughout. Audrey is the self-obsessed and self-righteous harpie, Rosa is driven to believe in something, anything (but without ever having a shred of self-awareness about what fuels that), Karla’s union husband Mike is the supercilious prick the media loves to paint union organizers as, Joel secretly flirts with artists and terrorists….. It’s all a little too easy, particularly as Heller rarely delves into the internal monologue of the characters enough to ground the reader in their actions.
The incompleteness of the characters had me thoroughly confused about Heller’s point by the end – is it that to believe too dogmatically is a bad thing? If so, why would the character you are supposed to like (Rosa) end her search by fully immersing herself in another rigid belief system? Is Khaled (the man outside her marriage Karla falls in love with) supposed to be the ideal in his belief of nothing? Besides being nice to Karla, he is the most uninteresting character of the book with an empty life spent making friends on the Internet. Surely that isn’t the model being upheld either? Joel is revered by thousands in the end for his steadfast and lifelong commitment to political principal while Audrey is exposed to be as bitter and manipulative as they come. It’s not that I need a single main message to be satisfied with a book, but a deeper, more coherent analysis could only help such a novel.
I get that dogmatism engenders cartoonish and bad behaviour in people, having been exposed to more of it than I care to recount in my life on the left – but people are much more than just a sum of their bad behaviours and are comprised of thoughts, desires and shaping events that allow us to understand them beyond the soapbox. One gets the impression that Heller wrote this at the height of Bush’s liberal-bashing and simply didn’t want to give the reader a window into the Litvinoffs’ and their ilk as people, but as mannequins for the failure of liberal ideas in the United States. By the end it really does start to read like a series of unoriginal and cheap shots – you could just save your money on the novel and go check out the freeper website for more of the same.

A couple of sock monkey gifts I made earlier this summer – been meaning to post this since I came back from my brother’s wedding (he was the recipient of one, meant for my nephew who is due at the end of October). I’m working on more crafty things at the moment, and hope to turn out at least one more sock monkey and a couple of sock “creatures” if I can ever figure out the patterns for them in the next little while.