Post #2051: In which I devise a plan to be myself


I would like to be honest here and admit that I am in a bit of a slump at the moment. It’s been building for the past couple of weeks, but only yesterday did I admit how much in the trough I have been feeling. It’s work-related mainly. My current work is boring, undirected, and leaves me without the capacity to lead that I so thrive on – it’s also at a pretty high pay grade which is why I joined this project in the first place. When I took it on I knew that it wouldn’t be the most thrilling work for me, but I hadn’t realized how much I didn’t want to go back to this type of web project management. The truth that I’ve discovered is that I don’t want to do this kind of work anymore even though I’m very good at it. But I’ve got an assignment to fulfill, and if I want to go onto something better for me, I can’t just abandon the team midway through – so I’m toughing it out for now and acknowledging that it’s just one of those times when I don’t feel great about my working life.

Unfortunately, because my identity is so wrapped up in work, this has a spillover effect of making me question/dislike/nitpick about every part of myself. As though a single job assignment is just proof of how boring, inept, slow, uninspiring a person that I am. Of course it isn’t, but I notice those thoughts creeping in to all other aspects of my life and it’s really wrecking what could otherwise be a good time. You know how that is?

In any case, I’ve got a strategy that I’m hoping will help. This includes focusing in on my strengths (ideas, action, leadership, energy) and trying to carry out some tasks each day on another project (which is off the side of my desk, not my main job) which has some great interest potential for me, and is highly relevant to a greater community.

I am also doubling down on my meditation and creativity paths right now – while dialing back on social stuff for a little bit. Which is not to say that I’m refusing social engagements – but I’m not going out of my way to organize them either. I’m also doing some gratitude work with Brian, which I find helps put things into perspective. And rather than feeling bad about not going to the gym, I’m making sure that I walk a lot and am going to make an effort to get out hiking a bit while the weather is still amenable to it.

It’s interesting how just thinking about this course of action creates an immediate feeling of ease – a plan to conserve a bit of my outward energy for use inward, and replenish that through the being state which is coming naturally to me right now. This, rather than push and rail against this aspect of life that I am obliged to fulfill. Knowing also that this state will pass sooner than later and be replaced with I’m not sure what comes next.

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