I came to work this morning and I cried. I want to say that I don’t know why that happened, but I do — it’s because I’m working two jobs at the same time and I’ve got a crazy to-do list full of things I don’t feel like doing. Also, I always feel crappy post-Christmas – too much sugar and not enough good sleeps. I am hoping that despite hosting a big NYE party this week, I will rediscover my equilibrium shortly and enter 2015 with good feelings instead of the dread that comes with being overbooked and overworked.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I want to stop doing things! I am one of those people who likes to do things, see people, get involved in my community – and so on. But I’ve felt recently like I’m doing too much of the wrong things – things which burn me out and leave me frustrated (like work) – instead of enjoying time with myself and others.
For 2015 I want my focus to be on finding space – in my words, my actions, and my life. Not space so that I can do more, track more, be more – but space, for the sake of space. I plan to attend a meditation retreat in May, take more long weekends this summer to work on the cabin, and allow myself time to go to the zendo for formal meditation practice. I have recently realized that being outside frequently is not a “luxury” but a necessity, and in 2015 I intend to take my activities out of doors when they allow for it. And I also intend the space for making – music, clothing, quilts and art – not forced into the corners of my existence as though unimportant or frivolous. Once I finish my Master’s degree in April – I’m sure I’ll also find some brain space for thinking about new things.
What I will not do in 2015 is track myself. I will not write down my exercise days, the foods that I eat, the number of minutes that I meditate each day or how often I go for walks. I have a tendency to track as though it makes me a better person, but really I think it becomes one more thing that I am doing (or not doing) and is neurosis inducing.
In fact, I think it would be grand if I set no trackable goals for 2015 at all – they seem really the antithesis of my focus on space after all – and instead a prayer: Let 2015 be a simple year of being and accepting instead of doing and wanting.
Aho, let it be so! But in fact, with nothing to attain, no goal and no tracking device … it already is.