Owning myself.

I’m mulling this morning on insecurity and how it gets triggered in me. You know, bright, successful, things going okay in my life… and yet I find I have to hold myself back from destroying it all out of self-doubt.

I would like to blame the season, and to some degree I think I can because I really do feel so at odds with this time of year that it makes me feel like more of a misfit than I already am. But I’ve also noticed that I have certain friends who really manage to draw the insecurities and fears out of me without really being aware of what they are doing. Interestingly, they are mostly the men in my life – which may speak to some unspoken need for male approval going back to some root father issues… but I digress.

Yesterday I hung out with a friend from the neighbourhood for most of the day which was largely fine except I’ve noticed that I have to continually draw boundaries around what I won’t talk about with him because he can be so derisive and nasty when it comes to the things he disapproves of. That in itself wasn’t so much a problem because he respects it when I say I won’t discuss x or y with him…. But towards the end of the day he became quite adamant that if Darren moves in with me when he gets out of prison it will be terrible for me and destroy any relationship I’m in at that time. He then spent about 20 minutes telling me that I had to figure out some other solution or I was basically doomed.

Uh. Gee. Thanks. Because I can’t sort out my own life without being told how to live it by someone who doesn’t know D. at all, or me very well. But of course, I don’t just shrug these things off, but internalize them instead so I come home feeling very deflated about my life and then go to bed and dream strangely about being called out in a union meeting by a reoccuring stranger.

I certainly have my own doubts and fears about the way my future is unfolding, as I’m sure everyone does. Life is not a simple task a great deal of the time and the complexities of all relationships are something to be continually navigated. Fortunately, I consider myself to have a strong intuition for “doing the right thing” by myself and others close to me and that helps in figuring out where to go as things emerge. On the other hand, my inner resolve can easily founder in the face of disapproval from those who ostensibly care about me. It’s not that this person (or anyone else) can change my mind about what I think is the right thing to do, but I find myself picking it all apart anyways – sometimes for days afterwards.

I’m not blaming my friend, for really this is mine to own and just because someone is engaging in the annoying tradition of unsolicited advice-giving doesn’t mean I have to be so weak as to fall apart over it. And even as I write I wonder if this is in fact a gift, the ability to re-examine and re-resolve myself around difficult decisions. And perhaps that father-issue stuff isn’t a digression at all but the reason I do respond as strongly as I do to people who really aren’t all that close to me. Or perhaps it’s because I was raised in a house where the judgement of women was really questioned because “we are all crazy.” Hm. If that’s the case, it’s definitely an area to work on.

As Firetrap says – it’s okay to have doubts as long as you don’t act on them rashly. She’s right you know. That’s the best unsolicited advice I’ve gotten in a long time. In any event, writing this out has made me feel much better. Thanks to all of you out there who listen 😉