never apathy. not at all.

me at thirty-three. taken at the wise by east van halen (a couple of weeks ago, but sent to me last night). silly yes, but i don’t hate it.

lucky sun and blue sky for the start of my 33rd year which according to my annual horoscope is about completion and transition, letting go of old things and cleaning out dead wood. though it is not necessarily a year for new beginnings, it is a year for preparing. interesting, because that’s exactly how i see 2006 – getting through the trial and putting aside the past as it has been done, grieving those losses, and at the same time putting the pieces in place to enable having a child in 2007. it’s really a put your head down and get through it kindof year, as there is so little influence i can have on the larger forces at work.

last year on my birthday (as i wrote in my blog and clearly remember), i cried and cried for no particular reason other than the deep depression which i was just emerging from then. interesting to me now because although i have had moments of stunning despair in the past two months, the recent emotional grief nowhere near parallels the state of numb angst i found myself in a year ago. the fact i made any major life decisions in the midst of that (moving to the sunshine coast, buying a home) baffles me to this day.

i feel much more grounded in general these days, though still not exactly clear on the future. i am putting elements together in various ways – dreaming, visioning, timelining – but without making solid decisions because there are many external variables that must play out first. in a way those factors are giving me a little space in which to feel through the possibilities i am opening to. they both hold me back and give me breathing room at the same time – a balancing force. the fact there are possibilities and i can see what some of them might be, is exciting, even though i know it may take time and effort to bring them forward. hopefully i can keep at least a shred of this optimism up through the year to come.

right now i am very thankful for the relationships in my life sustaining me in various ways – and so grateful for the different roles friends and lovers have played in recent months. the tragedy that has befallen one group of people in my life has cast a new light on the importance of those who are here, tangible and touchable – who i can walk in woods or share a secret over a beer with. i know my future has to be made with those people present, as much as it is painful to acknowledge that means some people will not be (at least in the way i want).

last night i spent with the east van radical chicks, having dinner and pints. today has been marked by calls and emails from so many of the great people in my life. two of my co-workers took me for lunch, and then a walk to see a tree in full blossom in the sun. my evening promises a phone call with aaron, and i think a good night’s sleep.

striking me strongest at the moment is the feeling of containment – to have both lightness and grief co-existing within the cavity that is me – complexity and struggle and anger – desire and love and vision. never apathy. not at all in my thirty-third year.