a death, a sadness

i was going to write a witty message about my car-mechanic experiences of the past few days, but i just received an email from my mother informing me that my cousin sarah hung herself last night. everything just seems very small and narrow at the moment, as though a film has come down over the morning: like someone walking on my own grave to have a cousin the same age take her life – it feels too close.

i have not seen sarah in years, her living in oregon and not having a close relationship to the canadian side of the family. when we were children we played together in the summers – and though i suspect we were very similar as rebellious adolescents, we did not live close enough to commiserate with one another. mostly what i know of her is through my aunt josephine, her grandmother – who has now lost both her oldest child and oldest grandchild to suicide.

i wonder if she was programmed somehow to self-destruct, her psychology grown up in the shadow of her father’s suicide by hanging in his early thirties.

i wish i could say i do not understand why a woman my age would take her life, but depressive episodes in the past two years have allowed me a glimpse into that mindset of hopelessness. i am thankful i am no longer in that place, and i wish i had been close enough to her to tell Sarah that those feelings really do pass if given enough time and nurturing by others.


2 Comments on “a death, a sadness

  1. hey…. i’m sorry to hear that.. i’m sorry that some one felt she does not belong here, to this place, now. and i’m sorry that humans get the feeling of being strangers, among their own planet and decide to finish their lifes by themselves


  2. An uncle of mine just a few years older than myself jumped off a 100 foot cliff into the Atlantic one winter several years ago. Because of this event I was told of a couple great uncles who ended their lives similarly. Nothing wrong with having such knowledge should my own perceptions of life ever become painted black. Talking about familial suicides is an area where we as a society have made great progress recently. That progress has been made due to the reduced influence of Roman Catholicism and other religions who have spooked us about how suicide is a bad hand to play before judgement.

    My uncle had 12 brothers and sisters who were profoundly effected by his sudden death. When I visited the old country where my dad and his family have lived for nearly two centuries I was brought to the cliff and the parking lot where my uncle had left a note warning his car had low tire pressure, front passenger side. Only his watch was ever found of him. The stormy Atlantic is a greedy beast.

    There is much to enjoy in this life: get to it and at it.

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