i was going to write a witty message about my car-mechanic experiences of the past few days, but i just received an email from my mother informing me that my cousin sarah hung herself last night. everything just seems very small and narrow at the moment, as though a film has come down over the morning: like someone walking on my own grave to have a cousin the same age take her life – it feels too close.
i have not seen sarah in years, her living in oregon and not having a close relationship to the canadian side of the family. when we were children we played together in the summers – and though i suspect we were very similar as rebellious adolescents, we did not live close enough to commiserate with one another. mostly what i know of her is through my aunt josephine, her grandmother – who has now lost both her oldest child and oldest grandchild to suicide.
i wonder if she was programmed somehow to self-destruct, her psychology grown up in the shadow of her father’s suicide by hanging in his early thirties.
i wish i could say i do not understand why a woman my age would take her life, but depressive episodes in the past two years have allowed me a glimpse into that mindset of hopelessness. i am thankful i am no longer in that place, and i wish i had been close enough to her to tell Sarah that those feelings really do pass if given enough time and nurturing by others.