dreaming away the boogeyman

i had a dream last night that i was raped – grabbed by someone i knew who came from a dark corner of a room and taken even though i struggled. the intercourse ended only because two other men entered the room as daylight broke, and the man who was forcing me was shamed by them to stop.

the reason the man told them he had forced me was because i was walking through the room with no clothes on – and that made him believe i wanted sex with him, even though i didn’t realize he was there. in any case, i must have been asking for it to be walking through this room naked (i was sleepwalking in the dream… go figure).

and so i left the room, ashamed, and also blaming myself for what had happened. obviously it was my fault because i had flaunted myself (unintentionally) and thus caused this action to take place. i was very angry with myself for being so stupid as to have fallen asleep in this room in the first place, for if i had not gone to sleep there, i would not be sleepwalking there and thus a target for this man…

the dream went on from there, i went out in the world and told people i encountered my story – friends at a coffee shop, someone i met on the road. the more times i told my story, the more i became convinced i had been wronged and the rape was not my fault. other people didn’t tell me that, but i came to believe it upon reviewing my actions over and over again. i became so sure of myself that i decided to go back and confront the person who had done this action to me.

he defended himself, and told me the same story about how it was my fault and he thought that was what i wanted. he cried, and told me he felt badly for what had happened, but continued to make the action my responsibility. in the end, he became angry, and told me terrible things about myself.

the best part about the dream, is that i didn’t believe him.