insomnia


stayed with a friend out in the valley last night, and had a blissful two hours of driving in monsoon-like conditions to get to work this morning. it’s nine in the morning and the sky is still twilight with dense clouds and buckets of rain expected to continue through the week.

my life continues on its regular tilt-a-whirl existence. margot came to the coast to visit this weekend, and we got very drunk with my friend fraser on friday night at the legion in roberts creek. that lead to a lazy saturday and then i came to the city on sunday for a resist! collective meet. stayed at margot’s sunday night, spent monday hanging out in coffeeshops on the drive studying for a psych exam i have tonight, and then drove out to chilliwack yesterday afternoon.

and now i am working.

something odd has been going on with me since the beginning of december – while my regular drinking has curtailed to a great degree (my pints three times a week has gone down to drinking once every three weeks), but when i do go out for pints i *always* end up drinking waaaaay too much. it’s like now i store up for a binge and then sorta just let myself unravel every few weeks, when the rest of the time i’m living a fairly straight and over-achieving existence. i’m not happy about this because i think it is speaking to some unfulfilled need for human contact (drinking is entirely social for me), and on some level alcohol has always been about that for me…. but because alcoholism is so rampant in my family (not my parents, but everyone else on both sides) i am aware of the need to keep that aspect of myself in check. i am unsure about the best approach here as abstinence seems unneccesarily harsh, but i no longer trust myself to drink even a little unless the situation itself is very low key. (oh – dear abby, don’t fail me now).

i think this has been contributing to my on and off insomnia in any case – as my sleep schedule is highly variable when i have been drinking – and this alone is probably reason to steer clear of the demon drink… as it is, i have an exam this evening after work and i’m going to be writing it on 3 hours sleep….

now, all things are not bad – and in fact i feel pretty good at the moment… spent last night with a close friend who made me a lovely dinner of pasta and codfish, have a visitor coming later this week who i have not seen in many months, am glad to be getting this exam done with (we’ll see if i’m actually ready for it when i get there), and i’m very very close to finishing the stitched rug i have been working on for the past 7 months. as well i have professional, educational and personal goals that have value to me, and have renewed my commitment to building positive relationships and action attentiveness towards those around me…. but what i have difficulty doing is finding peace in all that i am doing, and finding the space in me that is self-accepting. i am able to enjoy many small moments for which i feel endlessly priveleged, but somehow the whole experience occurs as a struggle rather than just what is.

damn! this introspection is way too much work!

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