Red Cedar

I am coming to confront some things about myself these days – not terrible things, and not confront as in finger-pointing and nasty – so perhaps a better word is recognize. Because it’s true that although I understand certain things about the way I behave, I do not always recognize what they mean when all is added up.

The first recognition is that I am some kind of WORKAHOLIC. While it’s true that I don’t spend all my waking hours at my job, I do spend all of my waking hours busy with something. As in, I can’t just relax because I feel like I should be doing something all the time. ALL the time. For real. And if I’m not doing something ALL the time I hear a voice that tells me I’m lazy and not a very good person. Having said that I am very FORTUNATE that I am not an office-driven workaholic and instead I subvert most of that drive into household activities like gardening, sewing, housekeeping, cooking, canning and so forth — all things I love to do. What I don’t love is feeling like I need to keep going all the time in order to keep up my sense of self-worth.

And it’s not only that I’m busy all the time, but I set really ridiculous standards for myself — which is my second recognition — I am also some kind of a PERFECTIONIST. I have never felt at home with that label because I am so un-perfect in everything I do. But as I talked to my psychologist the other day it dawned on me that I set impossible standards anyways. For example – it’s not enough that I make the occasional piece of clothing for myself if I don’t make all my own clothing. Or it’s not enough that I meditate every day if I don’t sit in the position of greatest discomfort to myself while doing so. Top that off with the fact that I can’t sit in a room with a crooked picture on the wall without straightening it and one might get the idea that I am UPTIGHT. But I am not uptight about other people. Just me.

The good thing is that I am somewhat aware of these behaviours and I am definitely not on the extreme end of the spectrum. I just need to take care a little more to step back from myself and determine what I really need in terms of self-care and self-talk.

So yesterday, for example, rather than taking a lot of meds and powering through my chronic sinusitis attack (which has been going on for days and is really painful), I stayed home, watched bad TV in bed all day and didn’t feel bad about it. (The fact that I finished crocheting the above sweater was a bonus, but nothing I felt like I had to do). The staying home is something I am willing to do when I am sick — but the not feeling bad about it is an entirely different fish than I am used to. And the fact that it was as easy as telling myself “this is okay, you need to rest and not feel guilty about it” makes me wonder if I end up feeling bad about myself just because it’s a habit and not because I actually, deep-down, feel that way.

Like I said – recognitions. I’m having them these days. Hopefully in the discovery I can also find ways to change these things and go a little easier on myself. Because I enjoy my life – and it would be just that much better if I let myself truly enjoy myself.

Besides working on one block at a time, I’ve got this monster to finish, as I’ve pulled it out of the back of the closet with a commitment to either bringing it to closure or pitching it out. Of course the frugalist in me can’t stand the idea of throwing out that much fabric (not to mention that much work) – so finished it will be.

While this might not actually rank as the ugliest quilt (it definitely has some woodsy charm) – it definitely did not come together as I had hoped in designing it. See, about nine years ago I decided to make a quilt for a friend, built around that gorgeous and very retro leaf fabric (which reminds me of the prints on the sleeping bags we had as kids). I had hoped that by pairing a sold block with a four-patch that the leaf fabric would dominate the quilt…… but!

As I was very new to quilting and possess no colour-theory background, I didn’t stop to think of the tone-value of the batiks I chose to go alongside the leaf-print…. which as you can see are much brighter. Thus my quilt is dominated by bright olive green and bright rust orange rather than the lovely muted fabric I fell in love with.

I started on this when I lived in Gibsons – and pieced almost the entire top before abandoning it to the unfinished objects box. From there it got moved back to the city, and then into the house I currently live in – all without a serious evaluation towards getting it finished. But lately I’ve grown tired of all the bits and pieces and want to move some of the clutter out of my sewing cupboard.

When I pulled it out of the box last week, I found the main quilt along with four additional rows which would round the spread out to queen-size proportions. All I have to do now is iron it all out, sew on the remaining rows and then quilt and bind it.

So that’s a lot. And it’s a lot of work for a quilt that I won’t love when it’s finished. However, it has a woodsy/campy flair and the colour scheme means it will never look dirty. Since we are starting a cabin build later this spring, I think I’m meant to finish this to throw over the couch when we’re done.

Besides my lovely little arty pieced blocks, this is my other sewing project – one I should probably get done sooner rather than later before I lose my willingness to go back to it.