Red Cedar

emotional breakdown my naturopath says…. and i think she’s right. some speculation the anesthetic has caused me to become unglued (maybe even moreso than the pain) – as some people have reactions in the body bordering on highly traumatic (the body, in reduction under anesthesia thinks it is being killed, and the brain reacts corresponding to that) – my brain, thus is in some sort of re-ordering process.

or something like that – this is what i surmised from reading i have done in the past on trauma and anaesthesia (since my last experience with it), and what came out in my appointment last night.

this is destabilizing – not to mention the effects of the wicked insomnia that has wracked me the last two nights, leaving me in a vaguely hallucinatory state this morning – the way that a new day never seems like a new day when you haven’t slept the night before, as if the act of not sleeping blurs the passing of days.

i know – poor me right? i am aiming for a time not so far in the future when my posts are somewhat more hopeful. i think one good night’s sleep should do it (tonight maybe?) – but in the interim my thoughts are random and unsustained and mostly pretty dark.

i stayed in town last night after the naturopath and went to the meeting about a memorial project (as yet firmly undetermined), then spent the night at margot’s. i think this was a way better idea then going home after the doctor as i ran into several people in my hang about east van, ate really good noodle soup at the mekong, and got to connect with friends….. i’ve been way too isolated this last week, mostly intentionally – but i’ve come to realize this is not so good for my mental state at the moment.

so onward i must go – hoping that work will eventually make everything seem normal (the routine, the easy-relationships with my co-workers, my cubicle papered in pictures of fish and underwater hydrothermal vents, the sheer everydayness of it all)…. now onto a meeting to discuss another revamping of an old online project.

i took this series of photographs yesterday morning on the 8:20 ferry between langdale and horseshoe bay. right now, i mostly don’t see the beauty of this journey because i leave and arrive home in the dark, but come march, that will slowly start to change as the days become long enough to enjoy sunrises and sunsets from the deck. i had trouble deciding which of the 10 or so pictures i liked to post, but i managed to narrow it down to four to share (it’s really all about the colour i think…..)

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if you had to choose – would you pick, wretched stomach aches that last for hours after eating or constant mid-level pain that make you sleepy and stupid?

i have chosen the latter over the former today, though i’m not sure if the better choice would have just been to stay home in bed…

bleah.

so i’ve been pretty depressed all week… some combination of pain in the nerve canal of my jaw and painkillers and being in my house all alone and not feeling motivated to do much more than a little walk down to the post office. people who were supposed to come visit either flaked entirely (don’t know what happened there) or had to cancel because of the snow (entirely understandable – it has been snowing now for two and a half days) – so the reprieves from my own company i had expected didn’t come as planned leaving me pretty glum by last night.

just before bed, i worked to stave off a full-blown anxiety moment with some brief cognitive therapy and a taoist breathing exercise – both things i should have been working with all week, but i am bad at routine therapy exercises when i’m actually in need of them….

today, i decided, should be different, i should relax a bit more with this pain thing and give myself space to do what i needed…. so this morning i relaxed in bed with a new novel, got some studying done over breakfast, called a friend for a chat this afternoon, made a fire for the first time this week (i have been really lazy, thus my house has also been cold as the electric heat doesn’t do a good job), and cooked up some chili-spiced rice and beans for dinner. even though as i write this i am in some pain (ibuprofen wore off and the stuff i took with dinner hasn’t kicked in yet) – i am feeling much lighter of spirit today than i have been all week – and i’m pretty sure that the cheeriness of the fire on a snowy evening has a lot to do with it.

i also updated my ical today with a todo list and the next two months of dates – which helped me to realize that my life isn’t totally out of control and i have more time to get things done than i was telling myself on the verge of my anxiety moment last night. being someone with control issues, list-making has the power of instantly soothing me in times of despair….

oh what simple creature – a todo list, a chat with a friend, a fire and a bowl of rice and beans – i have to remember this remedy for next time.