yes, yes – i know the world isn’t fair. but i have two new grievances i am handling for two different co-workers as of today – and you know what? it is so wrong what is happening to my sisters in the workplace – i can’t even believe it.
the system makes me crazy – and i would love to write more about that but i’m swamped between union and work at the moment.
grrrrrr.
now with that serious and thoughtful post out of the way i can post a list of good things about today
seeing a good friend i haven’t seen for several weeks being gifted with a pound of wild, smoked & candied coho salmon (if you buy this stuff in a supermarket it’s really expensive and not very good, this was caught and cured by my good friend which makes it a million times better) being gifted with a new book to read finishing up voting for the collective agreement – tomorrow i count the ballots, send them into the regional office and my role in the whole bargaining/strike/agreement debacle is officially over! feeling like i really am almost better from the oral surgery having someone buy me lunch being given permission to staff the position my assistant left last april (at least in anticipation of getting the full permission from the big boss) looking forward to a dinner of smoked salmon, brown rice and greens sending a surprise envelope to a friend in the mail with something i think they will like inside looking forward to margot coming to hang out for the weekend and
realizing that the yelling really wasn’t my fault (in telling a story to someone, i realized how fucked up a certain situation really was and how absurd it was that i took the blame)
huzzah!
i have been thinking since monday night about this memorial project for bob that was discussed and whether or not my involvement is the right thing for me at this moment in time. when the idea first came up, i was excited other people wanted to do something to memorialize our comrade and the politics of his life (the politics that we share, the activist history of our community), and i went to a dinner meeting on monday to talk about these ideas.
the project that we did brainstorm (if it comes to fruition) is something i think entirely appropriate – a book project chronicling the history of the east vancouver activist community, using stories from his life as jumping off points. both a memorial, and yet relevant to activists who will come later on down the line and want to better understand the development of our movements……
so the project itself recorded on flip charts – this, i have no problem with and a part of me wants involvement in some capacity. on the other hand i fear working with other people on a project like this has the potential to damage or at least alter the memories i have not only of my friend, but those of our friendship i hold very close at the moment. something i had not really considered before now is the perspectives of others could affect my own in a way i don’t think is positive for my mental state.
i don’t want my memory of my friend to consist of months of sitting in meetings talking about what he would have wanted, or what type of memorial would be most appropriate. i don’t want to hear what he really thought about a project i was working on when he was alive (but didn’t tell me).
what i do want is to finish a project i started three years ago (totally unrelated to his influence, but later supported by him), as a way of honouring the work we had talked about doing together. this project belongs to no one except myself, and has very little to do with him aside from touching on themes he understood better than most people i know. it does not involve exposing my feelings to those who are strangers, it does not involve rehashing arguments i had with him. and although it is a way of personally working through my own healing process, it has nothing to do with healing or grieving.
it has everything to do with going forward, as an individual, as an activist, and as part of a movement that has its hills and vales and sometimes needs a compass. although the people who are involved with this memorial are those who i hold a great deal of respect for, i am not sure i can participate in the way i intially indicated i would.
how odd to have discovered this new thing – the depth of my grief, the protection of memory at the cost of eschewing a project designed to memorialize, the recognition that a relationship between two people is a third entity that no one else can really understand.
and i thought i already knew everything. huh.
the one thing i did manage during my week of illness, was read through a stack of novels with alarming ferocity – something i don’t do as often as i would like between the school-work-politics ternion that is my life. between last tuesday and this, i polished off four new works – all of which came out in 2003… each had its own merits to stand on, (recommended to me by anna) was by far the best. i review them below in the order i read them:
Middlesex – Jeffrey Eugenides
The opening line – “I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan, in August of 1974.” – was the hook that got me to buy the book in the first place (browsing in the bookstore). Although at first glance it appears to be a book about sexual and gender identity and how that might transform one in a lifetime (especially if that one is a hermaphrodite) – it is really a far-reaching multi-generational family saga beginning in Turkey and ending in Detroit – with a few twists along the way. This book is a good read, with a compelling storyline and excellent character portraits. Where the read thins is during the narrator’s present life (scenes of which are interspersed throughout the tale) which seems surprisingly devoid of detail and character compared to the rest of the book. This aside, it was worth the purchase.
River of the Broken Hearted – David Adams Richards
For some reason, the Globe and Mail called this the “best book of 2003”, but I’m not sure what would give it that qualification. Another multi-generational family story (I don’t know how I picked two of these in a row), RBH is set in a small town populated by mainly Irish immigrants on the bank of the Miramichi River in New Brunswick. A bleak portrait of the struggles of one woman who did not keep in her place, and kept her business going despite the death of her husband, murder of her father and the derision of the townspeople – this story unfolds through three generations of dysfunctional family to an impossibly happy ending. Though I found the book difficult to get into, it did draw me in eventually and although i did not find the storyline all that believable in parts, it was definitely compelling. There is a bit of a mystery aspect that picks up part way through the book and i think that helped me stay interested in characters i did not really identify with. This is an okay read, but i wouldn’t buy it again.
Elle – Douglas Glover
This poetic tale about a lustful french girl abandoned on the shores of New France as punishment for her indiscretions is a surreal journey through the mythic pre-contact Canada. After losing her lover and nanny on the Isle of Demons (where she has been abandoned), a pregnant Elle survives the winter with the help of a native hunter, and before the thaw walks to the mainland and enters the forest to complete her transformation from woman to she-bear and back again. The language of this story is as haunting as the dark healing magic of the medicine woman who nurses her back to health in the wilds before and during her transformative process. The narrative is not nearly as important as the language and imagery in this lull from real life.
The Speaking Cure – David Homel
Set in a war-torn Yugoslavia, this journey of a counselling psychologist through the moral ambiguities of civil war, make for page-turning reading. As my friend Anna said, “this book is everything reading is about” – and I couldn’t agree more. Initially the story seems to be about a dissident psychologist pushing at the boundaries of serbian society in crisis, but it becomes apparent mid-way through the story that this counsellor is less interested in helping others than in acting his own psychodrama out in a country gone mad (though his self-awareness in this respect lacks a great deal). An adulterous relationship, a trip to the frontlines, and the publication of a work of “fiction” seal the main character’s fate in the dystopic Belgrade. Homel’s work touches on themes of madness, resiliency, sexuality, trauma, and finally atonement – a definite good read for troubled times.
not all better of course – but i got most of a whole night’s sleep last night and that has done wonders for my disposition – and my ability to function at work (necessary for the morning of meetings i just had).
i went home early last night, had a bath and ate some dinner – and then hung out in bed for the rest of the evening, working on the rug and listening to cbc radio. it was very good…. and relaxing – and although i still have pain in my jaw, for the first time in 10 days i feel that i might actually get better soon.
huzzah!
i have at least 3 other posts i want to write, starting with my recent book binge…. this is just a *how am i doing* update since i’ve had such nice emails and notes from people wishing me well this week……