Red Cedar

a selfishness

Posted on April 14, 2005 by Megan

i think i need to end this thing called the affair. i think i don’t have the patience for it anymore, and somehow extracting is so much more difficult than entering… but i have lost the mental capacity to process our interactions and i find myself in a position of just feeling downright mean about it. mean because i am wondering if this is really the sum total of my romantic life, mean because i want to know what is so wrong with me, mean because i am tired from working like crazy and arranging every last small detail of my own life all by myself all the time.

and i am exhausted still wondering why it is i have such a propensity for attracting totally unavailable men (or on the other end of the spectrum, those who want to own me complete)…. and no matter what pop psych answers i hear from people i know – i don’t really buy that this is what i am looking for, because it sure doesn’t feel like that (and dammit, i’ve done enough therapy to have at least figured that out…)

so what is it i want? that i don’t know.. but i’m pretty sure it looks like a good lover and feels like an old friend, and doesn’t interfere too much or criticize the amount of time i spend on politics, and likes to lie about on saturday mornings and go for the occasional hike and beers in the pub afterwards. i’m pretty sure it is someone who likes the fiddle enough to come to my shows and thinks i look good in a short skirt and isn’t already married though isn’t always faithful. and i’m almost certain that it isn’t all about me, but about the fact their needs are met too even though i don’t want to have kids and settle down in any sort of regularized way. someone who is there but not all the time, who likes the brandenburgs and ibooks, is not afraid to argue about the things that matter, who does more than work a job they hate, who sees how screwed up the world is but gets on with their life anyways….. and doesn’t care that sometimes i drink too much, or am too busy, or talk too fast.

so you can see my problem just from that laundry list – i suppose – it’s a selfishness on my part, the me who spent too much time in a marriage not happy and poured my heart into someone who left me anyway for more exciting things, the me who wants just some small love that is mutual and respectful and has hope integral to its reason for being. i don’t want to own, nor be owned – but to be adored a little, and a little adoring in exchange.

and what gets me – gets me most of all – about this is in every other area of my life i am happy, and successful and overall quite pleased with myself – but when it comes to this arena of love and connections i am so horrendously frightened – frightened of ending things with my lover as i fear there will be no one else to fill that void, and fearful that there really is no one out there for a girl like me.

(and yes, i am tired this evening, and frustrated, and i’m sure in the morning all these feelings will subside again and i will be back to my normal, stable self…..)

disappearing acts

Posted on April 13, 2005 by Megan

1 Comment

i have friends in my life who periodically disappear, only to re-enter my sphere when i am too engaged in other things to notice. i am not sure why these people disappear, or even why they return – but it seems to me that i have more of this type of person in my life than other people do. somehow, i manage to sustain my love for these folks even when i don’t see them for weeks, months, or years on end – as if all they have to do is come close again and i remember why it was i ever connected with them in the first place.

sometimes it is not physical, this disappearing act, instead a sleight of mental trickery where the dove turns into a brick and all of a sudden a relationship of lightness becomes cold as a shadow. do i do this to other people? i must at times, turn away for other projects, other lovers, other moments….. but i tend to be regarded as loyal by the people in my life and perhaps this is my grave fault, one that will have me perpetually being left, as those who know my heart realize they always have the option to return.

i am not sad by this, but often perplexed, as though it reflects some core in me that is not good enough rather than a deficiency in another person’s ability to commit or love or treasure a relationship. and yet, i wonder about some of these people in my life, if the friendship was different, more sustained, more stable – would i want it? would it remain with me for long, or is it the fissures in which we locate the space we need to breathe and grow without being reminded always of who we were?

what i do know is that i am faced again with this situation, wondering why it is i am still open after all these years to someone who comes and goes as they please.

four good things

Posted on April 12, 2005 by Megan

2 Comments

super-swamped i am at the moment but here are four good things about today:

got my retroactive pay on the new collective agreement increases – two years of increase at one time – and it worked out to more than i expected.
got a letter from the department today informing me that i have won a distinction award in recognition of my work on our internet presence. apparently there is an awards ceremony in june and i get something official then.
a person who i represented recently in a job-loss situation (unfair layoff due to budgetary rather than performance considerations) came to see me first thing this morning because she has been started back at work and granted indeterminate (rather than temporary) status. she is extremely happy with the representation she received.
heard from another person i represented over a year ago in a case involving a head injury and return to work. management at that time had threatened him with demotion and layoff but backed off when we pulled up a human rights complaint. he just called to let me know he’s doing fine at work these days, is able to perform about 90% of what he could before the accident, and would like to assist other workers with disabilities if there is any way he can do so.

not bad for a day where i barely made it out of bed. unfortunately, i get worried when too many good things happen at one time – i mean, when the pendulum swings back the other way it’s going to be really messy…..

(and yes, i know that it is not super-compelling when all i post about is work and the union, but my life these days is mostly taken up by those things – i promise i will get more interesting once i start hiking and taking photos and playing music again…..)