Red Cedar

i’m starting to get callouses in the right guitar-playing places which is very exciting to me. this learning how to play the guitar project is going quite well at the moment – i have not only figured out a whole bunch of chords and strumming styles, but managed to put chords to my latest song all by myself (though i’m having a lot of trouble putting them to 67,68,69 because i think the melody is too weird for chords – need to get help on that one).

so yes, where we last left off – i was going to victoria which turned out to be a bit of an ill-fated trip though i still think i came out ahead of the game. visit with the parents on friday night was fine, went over to anna & kyla’s in the afternoon and hung out for a bit, helped get things ready for the party. by the time the party started though i was becoming increasingly anti-social and tired. i think i have been going too hard in the last month and it’s all started to catch up on me quicker than i would like to admit. i have quite a bit of work-related anxiety at the moment as well that i’m having a hard time turning off. so yeah – i was tired and out of it – and then the victoria-guy-i’m-sleeping-with showed up which was great…. but i found myself even unable to make decent conversation.

he was in a fine mood, but also work-preoccupied so we decided to cut out and get a hotel room for the night which turned out to be the best option because i couldn’t fathom staying at the party until people cleared out and i could sleep there. it also meant we had some time just together — which i had thought wouldn’t happen because of circumstances. i probably won’t see him for some time since i have no plans to go back to the island until sometime in august and really, i think that is for the best. (yes, i like him, we have fun together – i’m pretty sure though that’s the extent of it, and i’m not very clear about what i want at the moment… i tend to develop attachments for people i am sleeping with even when it’s an ill-advised move, and i don’t think i should develop an attachment to this one because i’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be reciprocated – this is at least the process going on in my head at the moment).

so yes, all that said – sunday morning we got up to go for breakfast and while he was getting his bike from out front – i managed to pull the front of my car around into a concrete support post in the covered parking area. nice! not only did i do $1000+ in damage to my car, but i did it in front of a guy who i actually like – the double-whammy of feeling stupid. i was mostly just shocked though that i did it at all – *i* don’t do stuff like that! but apparently i am just human and i guess these things happen to lots of humans. at least i wasn’t hurt and i didn’t hit anything/anyone else. last night i realized that i might have put collision insurance on my car this year (couldn’t remember for the life of me) – when i pulled the papers out it turns out that yes! i did! which means i just have to pay the $300 deductible which is way affordable compared to what the repair might cost in total. in the meantime i need my car all week so i’m driving it as the wreck it looks like and hopefully will get to deal with it next monday.

after the accident, we had a lovely breakfast (though i couldn’t shake the slightly-sick, anxiousness from the accident) – and then i drove out to william head to visit my friend dustin who only has nine months to go inside, but nine months that could drive him completely nuts (time slows down near the end of the bid – i’ve observed this phenomenom in many other friends over the years). despite the fact that both he and i were a bit grumpy – we had a great visit – and made each other laugh even! the weather was nice so we got to sit outside by the sea and watch the birds – which is one of the things that makes that institution not so bad to visit at.

talk about a full weekend! but i managed to get on an earlier ferry back to tsawassen and got all the way back to gibsons on sunday night, which meant sleeping in my own bed. because of my totally yuck state by the time i got home with my beat-up car – my bed felt way more inviting than normal. all things considered, i still think the trip was more than worth it – getting to see my friends, and the guy, and managing to write two songs in transit – pretty priceless all of it.

i’m officially looking again.

my once-a-year flirtation with internet dating has been launched again as of today and i’m predicting that in about two months i’ll be so sick of it i’ll hide my profile until next spring. i can predict this with some accuracy because every year about this time (between late spring and summer), i get the itch – the nagging feeling that possibly there might even be someone out there i could be with – and then i repost my profile to one or more dating sites – briefly enjoying some attention before realizing once again that i am a hopeless freak and there really is no match for me out there in the ether.

there is no particular reason for this either except that i am trying to keep myself from going back to the affair and it seems i should try dating in my neighbourhood for a change (that would be vancouver or the sunshine coast). i am not sure exactly if i am just looking for sex, or for sex *and* someone to talk to – my own desires are ambiguous at the moment – but there is definitely a pressing sensation at the base of my skull which is buzzing. maybe it’s the bio-clock. i am definitely more interested in sex than normal. i think i have to stop analyzing it (or think of it like shopping on amazon, it feels surprisingly like that these days – when you bring up a profile on salon, it shows you five other “profiles like this one” – sortof like the amazon book-buying experience. yes, that’s right, interchangeable people to page through on a slow work-day).

should be interesting. i’ll be sure to tell you all about it (though i’m surprised with myself for sharing this here in the firstplace).

when i first took this photo, i didn’t like it much – but showing it to megan the other night i realized that it is sortof a neat picture. this is a wildflower shot from my trip to the anza borrego desert earlier this year.

and that’s a funny thing – how we can look at an object or an image one time, hear a piece of music in a moment – and not enjoy it… but then twig to something special in it down the road – either because it becomes familiar or because we see something new the next time it comes before us. many times i have had that experience with people, having a certain first impression totally gutted by the transition of actually getting to know them…. and this makes me wonder about the person who i have seen the last couple times in victoria. my first impression wasn’t much, but of course that changed within short time…. and i have recognized in stages my brain’s refusal to let go of the misgivings i have about men who are interested in me generally. i have thought then, to put a halt to things before they go further, because it seems simpler than turning the object of my fear over and looking at it from a different perspective.

but, although there is a cautious me who warns against committing and also overthinking, there is a reckless me who wants all the energy, anxious or otherwise, that comes from new connections to old strangers…. and so, on it goes… and i wonder if he even wants to see me again? or if i him and why? i suppose that will become clear in short order…. and in the meantime, i have had little time to dwell on this (thankfully) in the past two weeks as i have been swamped-busy (but i am leaving for victoria tomorrow afternoon so it has become present once more in my thoughts). i definitely prefer being immersed in work to rattling around in my head all alone.

it really does seem a cruelty that i have got this far in the world (awesome friends, good job, my own house, a beater-car, a fairly stable psychological makeup) and yet still am beset with anxiety over questions of whether a guy likes me or not – what is up with that? i cringe just thinking about the girliness of it all – “who cares if i can command professional respect? i just want to know if i’m attractive.” yuck….. i’m hoping this is one i can blame on society because i would hate to think it is some inborn part of being human, this bewilderment about place and relationship.

*sigh*

besides all of that inner processing going on between meetings at work, i have decided to stay in vancouver sunday night rather than making the longshot home – so tonight i have to pack not only for the weekend but also for a day or two of working (i might not get home until tuesday depending on how things go). i am really looking forward to being home next weekend and having people come to visit me! (and for those of you who have not rsvp’d yet – please do!). should be an interesting couple of weekends coming up….