Red Cedar

i am tired today, and tired means bleak, but rather than another post laden with tragedy i have decided to honour the solstice by presenting five things for which i am grateful right now. in doing this, i am invoking a moment shared with a fellow-activist some years ago when he expressed his gratitude to me in front of a circle at a gathering. this blog will have to suffice as a circle for now, though i look to the new year to bring more of us together.

so… the list:

• i am thankful that people i love are able to share their burden with me in times of great need. i am humbled and honoured by their faith in me.
• i am grateful for the people who love and support me even when i am grumpy, short, teary, angry, and frustrated. i am grateful for an activist community who “gets it”.
• despite the fact they make me crazy sometimes, i am comforted that my family is all still living and reasonably healthy.
• i am forever indebted to all the radicals who ever thought it possible to make change no matter what the odds or the consequences were. it may not have occurred to me to resist if there were not others who showed the way forward, and my ability to resist has kept me sane.
• and finally, i am in deep gratitude to the people who talk to trees, lovers who make me smile, co-workers to whom i can confide in, and the friends who distract me from more serious matters with movies and beer.

happy solstice everyone. and thanks to all of you who know who you are.

although things are no less fucked up than they were yesterday, i have managed to replace the sickly sliding into a black hole feeling with something resembling my normal self (though a very distracted and internally amped one). a cranial sacral treatment, a homeopathic remedy and a good night’s sleep appear to have curtailed the impending shatter, a event that would have been no use to anyone and quite possibly dangerous to myself.

two weeks tomorrow and everything so different from two weeks today, a world viewed through grey-tint and suspicion, a head full of howling memories, and an encrypted jaw wired shut at the source. this is the new life, in which i make sense of all things i didn’t see and try to bandage my own dreams. who knew that doors could slam shut as quick as this?

but here it is, the machine grinding foward grand juries and trials. february, march, and then? we will see what awaits on each date and afterwards – hold tight and wait – tick-ticking the time past zero until darren is allowed to come home, until the endlessness of courtrooms is over. will freedom be our reprieve?

this one is mine. it may be challenging at moments, but it belongs to me. of all the other lives i could have lived, this is not one i am ashamed of.

still at home sick, but starting to feel better (both cold-wise and mind-wise) – i finally got around to finishing my mom’s xmas present this morning. not perfect but i’m pretty happy with how it turned out (there was a point during which i was making the pillow where i thought it wasn’t going to work at all).

posting will continue to be light or non-existent while i recover from my cold and pick up the pieces from some recent events. i will return when i am sorted out somewhat.