Red Cedar

monday reality such a shock after the holiday of a weekend i just took. not that i went anywhere, but had a friend come to the coast for 2 nights, locked the doors and stopped answering the phone. amazingly liberating, this hiding from the world with a fun friend….. my head is still slightly spinning with the fact that for 48 hours i barely thought about the scariness of the world. definitely needed that break from the survivor state i’ve been in lately. 😉

but onto this morning and the hardness of life, i have been summoned to a meeting at 10 to witness the termination of an employee i have been representing in disciplinary matters for about two years. i’ve been researching options for the past couple of weeks and am fully prepared for this eventuality – so i’m not anxious for any reason other than the fact of having to witness something this terrible for another person. unfortunately, being a union representative means being there for people during some of the more stressful and upsetting moments of their working career if not their life. it gets a little bleak sometimes.

i would like to think that all of this – the union stewarding, the eco-court cases, the day to day hurdles in getting through – is actually giving my character more depth rather than flattening it out into one long cynical sigh. i think that is where the balance comes in, the weekend holidays and fun friends which save me despite the weight of freedom which rests on my shoulders.

and so it is, guilt and release, guilt and release. we’ll see how it turns out.

i want to get this update done early today – since returning to work on monday i have been struggling with three large union cases (2 terminations and another one with significant implications for the member in question), requiring all my attention – plus, i seem to be getting additional work assignments suddenly as well. i now have a calendar booked solid until the end of may with trips to prince rupert, victoria, vancouver (10 days of union stuff in a row means i have to stay in town so it is a lot like traveling), toronto, and ottawa between now and the end of may. plus, i have to fit in a visit from darren’s lawyer and investigator, a presentation or two on the case, a major presentation to the senior management team at work, and also gear up for fishing season information requirements.

ack!

the end i have in sight is a 5-day hiking trip in the stein valley at the beginning of june which marks the first holidays since september and the beginning of the summer period in which my union activity at least will subside somewhat.

i think i’m working through my insomnia finally, as i have had 3 nights in a row of 6 or 7 hours without anything more than a brief interuption. wow. i feel almost human again after a month of wanting to claw my eyeballs out. the downside to getting better is that i realized how much i have been slacking on all fronts because of my excuse-making related to the insomnia and the court case. i have a lot of catching up to make it better, but at least i made no fatally stupid decisions on anyone’s behalf in the meantime.

the past few days i have had friends staying, meaning a fire in the stove and dinner on the table upon my return from work. this is the most extravagant luxury i can imagine given the stress of things lately, and i have been very appreciative of the fact i can offer a peaceful and comfortable house in exchange for a little company and food prep. the fun continues over the next few nights as greg will be arriving in town tomorrow for the philip glass ensemble performance at the queen e and then will be coming back home with me for a night.

haven’t spoken to darren in two weeks owing to a snafu with the stupid private service that deals with correctional services phone calls in the us. of course, i didn’t realize they had blocked my number until since no one informed me and then i spent an hour on the phone yesterday dealing with it. at the end of the call, the call-centre clerk said to me – “your friend is really lucky to have someone like you who is willing to go through all this just so they can be in touch with you”. i almost cried, feeling so instantly touched by all the people who are in prisons with no support whatsoever.

in any case, i did receive a letter from darren this morning, and he seems to be doing fine and just really focusing on his case at the moment. his lawyer believes if he is convicted he is looking at 8-10 years and the other “major players” (even with pleas) are looking at 25-30. 8-10 is not as bad as i thought it could be, but it’s still a long time for both him and his friends and family to go through. hopefully if there is conviction we can apply for prisoner transfer and at least get him closer to home – but that is all *way* down the road and we’re not even at trial yet.

although i keep thinking i’m okay with all of this, my body has been telling me otherwise with the insomnia, clenched fists (i find myself digging my nails into my palms an awful lot these days), and an overall tension from my jaw into my lower back. i know what i need to do but seem to be having trouble doing it. i think there’s a part of me that likes being fucked up because it’s easier than working to change the reaction patterns i am so comfortable with.

despite that, things are objectively good at the moment – and there seem to be some interesting possibilities close at hand. now back to work!

you know it’s bad when you schedule union hearings during vacation leave – but increasingly i can not balance the work/union/life schedule without driving myself crazy with no sleep.

i have, however, managed to shake the apathy that almost saw me give advice to two members facing termination to just resign instead. i realized that in my really-scary-courtcase-induced stupor i bought into the employer’s argument rather than doing what every fibre of me says instead.

something in me twigged today when i got to work and looked at the cases on my desk – thought about my favourite case which i started three years ago and am still fighting. how can i give up on people just because my life is a bit shredded at the moment? how can we discount the work we do as union reps by selling ourselves and our members short?

fuck that, we will grieve the employer,

and

fuck the fbi because we are fighting.

when i start to swallow their lies about us, wow, is it all ever lost then 😉

yes, i password protected the last post. if you are a friend and want to read it, please feel free to email – i just don’t want it out there in googleland down the road.