Red Cedar

I haven’t been writing much of anything lately except the occassional erotic missive to a long-distance possibility, such has been the lack of interest in settling myself down in front of the computer in between meetings. I come to work, stare at the screen, eke out some minimal amount of content for my department’s web presence and then turn my attention to union cases and other demands instead. I am not sure why the words only flow some of the time, but they do and they haven’t been lately. Perhaps it’s just the lack of time for reflection as I muddle my way between work and the gym and social/artistic events and just keeping up with life. I think that because I am waiting on a number of things (Darren’s hearing, my new possible job to start, my return to Ottawa in May) I feel a bit stalled out workwise at the moment.

In any event, in the past week I have somehow managed to keep myself relatively intact through weekend union meetings (in Victoria), dinner with my parents, a memorial for a friend who passed away last month, seeing Derrick Jensen speak, and a labour council meeting last Tuesday. This week is only turning out to be more of the same with lovers returning to my life suddenly, some health appointments I finally booked, a reading and show by my friend Bronwyn and union meetings this weekend plus the CATS gathering which starts at my home on Friday night. Tonight, I have booked a date with myself alone at the QE to see the VOS staging of Tosca – an opera I have not seen before. It’s a good thing that next week is looking to have a relatively open schedule so I can catch my breath!

One thing that I have been increasingly focused on in the last 4 weeks is getting myself to the gym 4 or 5 days a week which I think has started to show some small results already (I can tell, I’m sure no one else can yet). I’m really working hard towards not only the trip at the end of this summer, but better shape overall and a cleaner internal system. I’m finally over the point where going to the gym makes me tired and it’s started to become my fuel instead. My real success measure at how well I am integrating this into my life is going to come when I’m on the road again from May to June – with the intention that I keep as much of a stable workout schedule as possible no matter where I am.

I am still waiting to hear about the possibility of the national project management gig but it *is* looking better every day and I will have an answer by the end of May at the latest. Also, I have pretty much decided to run for the position I’ve been talking about even though it’s still a year away! I haven’t told anyone in my union yet except a couple of close friends, but even doing that set the fears arising in me. Whoo. It’s going to be some kindof a ride if I make it all the way without some sort of event to upset the whole affair.

So there it is, me busy and pretty happy though a little unproductive at the moment. More in-depth writing to follow soon I’m sure.

It can’t really be so long since I have written here. It’s been a busy time and I’ve got lots to say when I find the time for posting. Stay tuned, friends! I am still very much alive and will find the space for writing shortly.

I finally broke down and bought a proper daytimer today – the kind with a space to write in appointments by the hour – after frustrating myself trying to fit everything into the small agenda I got for free through work at Christmastime. I haven’t really used a daytimer since university, having found it quite acceptable since then to track dates in my head with the occasional scratch on the wall calendar. But lately, well, it’s just gotten a bit out of hand what with the constant travel and meetings and the blessing of a social life. Even when I can remember dates, I forget what hotel I am supposed to be at this time, when I’m due at the airport or what restaurant I’m meeting a friend at for dinner.

The last three weeks have actually been quite relaxing for me as I’ve been in Vancouver without too many responsibilities, and had three weekends with only fun things scheduled. This, of course, can only go on so long. According to my new daytimer, all this relaxing ends exactly this Thursday and probably won’t begin again until mid-June.

I’m calmed by the daytimer in some way, even though the pages fill up as often as my phone rings. All emotion stripped down to the basic facts of when and who noted beside the appropriate time on the correct days. Days of appointments & meetings, planes taken, movies watched, cardio workouts fulfilled, and dinners eaten in nice restaurants, perhaps even elections won (or lost), and speeches made. How simple it looks spread across the pages of this new agenda, so tidy the black ink that notes each of these events. How neat the words that say “Darren’s hearing” underneath the location – Eugene, Oregon. The demarcation of my next flight to Ottawa holds no indication of whether or not my plane will land at all, or whether our meetings there will be any sort of success. It is simply a record of location and time, the emotional filling in of these things left completely to memory. How simple it looks, this life! I can do this, no problem!

And again, as I so often ask these days – is this one really my life? Are these responsibilities mine? Did I actually have those experiences? The ink in my journal contains them, and so they must be mine, just as the simple recording of facts in the daytimer indicates part of who I am becoming. Artifacts of the minor moments that accumulate to make the sum.

And a good long weekend it was, though I’m a tad unfocused today which is impeding my ability to write with any fluidity. Cotton-brain, stumbling fingers, and the annoying itch of everything I need to get to if I could just get methodical for a few hours. Although I did catch up on sleep and errands this past weekend, I managed insomnia last night that made falling asleep a bit difficult, and today is all the more trying as a result.

Meh. At least they pay me to come here even when I’m in slow-worker mode. I did manage to finish one small project this morning, file a union report and provide feedback on something else – so it’s not that I’m doing nothing. It’s just that thinking kinda hurts today, and I would rather just ditch and go outside in the sun or something. Instead I am listening to Calexico on my iPod and visualizing my work-out at the gym in between work and my union meeting this evening.

Yes, I said work-out. Cause I’ve been back at the gym for the last couple of weeks with the goal of getting fit enough to do the Marble Mountains hike with some friends at the end of the summer. Although I have been a bit achy, it does feel all around pretty good and my ankle hasn’t even been giving me too much trouble which is a hopeful sign. Today is a strength training day, and if I can fit in some time on the recumbent or elliptical afterwards then I will be feeling really accomplished. At least the rest of the week is looking pretty good for fitting in workouts (especially now that two different people canceled plans with me).

I suppose I should enjoy the free time while I have it, since the next two weekends after this are booked with union meetings, and then I start on another cycle of travel in mid-May that goes through until mid-June. I’ve realized recently that although I get worn out from traveling, it does provide me with a bit more excitement than I just get coming and going from the office every day.

Enough updating for now. I am going to the sex work show in Thursday with Jess, and Flying Folksters Alison and Jon are coming down too – so if it looks interesting to you – join us there!