Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Damn holidays making me crazy already.
You know, I love my family… but sometimes they make me a little bit crazy which is why I don’t write about them here very often. Because it’s never a good idea to chronicle what irks you about a group of people in a venue where they might find it. I certainly would hate to find a list of what irks them about me posted on the Internet (and I guarantee you, I am a very vexsome family member at times; this is not one-sided dysfunction by any means).
So I’m staring down the holidays and I just talked to my mom on the phone. I’m a bit worried that she’s sliding back down the depression trail just in time for xmas… and she told me that my brother’s common-law wife (of eight years) has just moved out and left him…. plus one of my crazier aunts is coming to stay with us for the duration of the holiday period…. not to mention that my brother’s friend who lives in my parents’ garage (some of you might remember him as the paramedic who rescued me on the juan de fuca marine trail) has also split with his girlfriend over distance issues…. and my mother has additionally moved an old friend into her camper van behind the garage because he couldn’t afford to pay his rent (it’s just temporary).
Keeping track? Don’t worrry, it’s all a little dogpatchy up there on the hill… but we come by it honestly (refer to the song “Mostly Crazy” from Massive Folk Fist to the Man if you really want to know more).
I’m afraid my brother’s split will bring my mother’s focus on her need for grandchildren back to me. More than once recently I have been subjected to the “are you ever going to move back victoria and have a baby” conversation. This used to provoke a pretty profound guilt in me – but these days it just makes me feel bad for my mom. I know it’s not my responsibility to live my life according her needs, but I also understand that she feels that grandchildren would complete her in a way nothing else has. Persistent, she is always searching for that answer, that completion as though it will come from outside of her.
Upshot? I wish I could run away for xmas rather than go home. Not because I don’t love them all, but because I do and there is just so much sadness in my family at the best of times. Oddly this makes us all pretty compassionate to outsiders but not very much so to each other. Typical I suppose. It’s hard to be sympathetic when you’ve been hearing the same stories your whole life – and your father’s favourite lines really were “whoever said life was fair?” and “I’ll give you something to cry about”. (Who needs originality when it comes to preparing your kids for a hard world?)
Now on a brighter note – my brother writes me a few minutes ago to say that he’s looking forward to hanging out in Van more now that his relationship is kaput and he’s coming to my solstice party on the 21st.
It should be an interesting holiday season.
Things that are real.
Hm. Snow disappearing as quickly as it covered Saturday’s streets… I’m looking out at a very rainy day and the last of the snow is being washed down the gutters. Darren may not be happy in prison, but at least where he is now (Florida) it’s sun and more sun. Once he gets yard again he tells me he’ll be working on his tan.
I’ve been intensively dreaming lately, but it’s always so hard to remember about what. I feel like there is a deep disturbance in my subconscious and it is playing there when I fall asleep. I do remember that last night I dreamed about Joe over and over. In the last dream someone sent me a way to contact him and I was elated that I could speak to him on IM finally. After all this time. But of course this was not the case when I woke, and I am back to the reality that our friendship is split apart perhaps forever.
This Friday marks two years. Something I will write about later in the week, but this event has a presence in my life that is insistently demanding my attention right now so it’s impossible to stay off the topic entirely. I don’t have the luxury of falling apart because my schedule won’t allow it – this is probably a good thing. I’m a little too self-indulgent when it comes to melancholy.
I haven’t felt much like writing lately; really I haven’t had the space and time I need in between commitments to get anything worthwhile down. Ditto for photographs. But I’m hoping that my upcoming holidays to the desert (beginning of January) will provide me with some rich new material again. Yesterday I was having one of those “meh” days and so I started doing some research about places to go in the Sonoran desert (Arizona side) which perked me right up. I’m hoping Aaron agrees, but the Vermillion Cliffs area on the Utah border looks incredible for hiking and photography. Even though it will be coldish at the altitude – it is still warmer than here (and we’ve already agreed to cheap motels if it’s really cold at night which it can be out there). Besides, slot canyons are amazingly beautiful and I’ve never been in one. It’s something to look forward to.
I keep meaning to write that I am seeing someone now too, which I’ve alluded to here a couple of times without outright declaring. His name is Brian and it’s going quite well. I mean, it makes me feel all soft and happy inside. Kindof girly and a bit emotional. You know. It’s like that. We don’t see each other all that often because we both travel for work and have other responsibilities – which means that when we do I’m a little overwhelmed. Like I forget how much I’m into him until he walks through my door and then I don’t want him to leave. At the same time it’s not desperate or clingy. And I’m able to keep my doubts in check; he doesn’t trigger them as much as others have in the last couple of years. Still, I’m always afraid of these things that are real. It makes me realize just how much sleeping around has been my technique for avoiding loss. But things have shifted since the summer and I feel like as much as it is still with me every day, I am transitioning into a new phase of accepting myself and the events that have shaped me. As opposed to fighting them. As opposed to turning it back in against my own being.
We’ll see. We’re taking it at the pace that makes sense to us – slow in some ways, though the emotions sometimes come on me faster than I expect as the hesitancy diminishes. It feels right though, and it’s making me happy, which according to friends I deserve. I’m not sure if the universe works that way, but I’m taking what makes me feel good seriously for a change rather than disregarding it.
As always there are a million little things going on, and my weekend was full of people and commitments that kept me occupied. Something I’ve realized is that being busy keeps me satisfied, but it only works if I’m getting enough sleep and downtime. (Not burning myself out, duh.) I’ve been pretty balanced lately, which has made me realize that I can be both busy and healthy if I just watch the schedule and keep my drinking to an appropriate social level. That being said, I’m looking forward to ten days off in California coming up. Cause kicking back time is a necessary part of the equation too.
Lucipetal: The calendar
In a fit of not knowing what to do for xmas presents, I’ve ordered custom calendars with words and images from this blog and personal letters. A few of you close friends will be getting these as gifts – but for those of you who just wish you had a print or two of mine to hang on your wall – here’s your chance!
As described at Lulu.com, Lucipetal is a calendar of words from my blog and images from my travels over the last year. Personal and quirky – and a little bit wistful. You can see sample images here. To overview or order, go to this link.
I’m also thinking of doing some notecards and postcards at cafepress of my favourite two or three images. Just figured that if I was going to do them for my own uses I would put them up as print-on-demand products.
Briefly…
- This week has been a bit strange and it’s worn me out.
- If I want to stay mentally upright I need to get enough sleep.
- I should never skip packing the advil when traveling.
- Coca Cola is still the best hangover cure I know.
- Darren has been moved to FCI Marianna. Click here for his new address (inmate number stays the same. Please write him.)
- I’m speaking again in a couple of hours. There will be Ukranian food served to make the meeting more “social”. Perogies and politics. Borscht and bullshit.
- My life is really full right now. It’s good, but I’m frustrated often by the fact I can’t do everything all the time.
- I’m facilitating a meeting on Colombia at SFU this weekend, then hosting a Resist! meeting at my house.
- Some real writing is coming, soon. I promise.
And a death….
I knew it was coming, but I’m still very sad. I just found out that Jeremy Paster passed away a couple of days ago. I’m glad he was released from his pain peacefully, and I’m glad I made the call to him before it happened. I suppose there isn’t much more you can ask from a death.
Red Cedar 
