Post #3310: Serious thinking

I had a meeting with someone in a somewhat job adjacent field last week. He was young, maybe only 28 or so, but knew what he was talking about, and took himself very seriously. Not in an imperious/obnoxious way, but in the way of someone who knows their currency and is confident in their training.

I found myself unexpectedly unsettled by the encounter. It was not his confidence that troubled me, but my own response to it. As a woman, I have learned to soften my presence: to put others at ease through humor, self-deprecation, or anecdote, even when engaged in work that is consequential or requires authority. Whether representing a union member, facilitating a difficult conversation, or giving project direction, I have often felt an unspoken expectation to make seriousness more palatable by making myself less so.

Afterwards, I asked myself whether my efforts to make others comfortable were not simply accommodations, but also a reflection of how seriously I take myself. On taking stock, a pattern emerges in which I:

• defer to what I perceive as others’ authority, even when not demonstrated through experience
• routinely diminish my own accomplishments
• dismiss my interests as irrational or unserious
• am embarrassed to name aspirations or vocational callings at this stage of life
• constantly assume that my interests or capacities are being quietly judged or dismissed by others

In Internal Family Systems therapy terms, I understand these as responses managed by my “Protector” parts – adaptive strategies or internal messages that arise in order to help me avoid shame or fear by maintaining harmony and avoiding scrutiny. But just like any overly-protective mama, by playing it safe, those parts have also diminished my capacity to act on certain projects or directions (“what will other people think of this”) and limited how I show up in the world to what I believe is expected of me.

Folks who know me might find this an odd self-assessment – for I am outwardly confident, distinct in my efforts, and a problem-solver for others. Yet these tendencies surface most clearly when I am in transition: when I am changing direction, imagining wider possibilities for my own life, or facing the reality that my path does not mirror those of my peers. My retirement in the next year, is certainly a triggering point for these reflections.

Simply recognizing this pattern has already put me in a better frame of mind for the task of redefining my life post-government-job. While I am not ready to divulge my direction just yet, I have spent the last few days asking myself “what would someone who was serious about this do?” and then simply doing it rather than letting feelings of shame or embarrassment creep in and stop me. To be clear: I am doing nothing shameful or embarrassing – but there is a voice inside me that still asks “who are you to think you will do this?” every step of the way.

But even a self-doubting step is a step! And onward we go.

The photo at the head of this post is of the lichen Lobaria pulmonaria, also known as lungwort. It has medicinal properties and can also be used to dye yarn and fabric.