Not writing.

I’ve felt so far away from this blog lately and I have no idea why. It’s not that my mind is empty of ideas, thoughts, opinions…. or that I’m particularly down or unengaged….. but perhaps it’s this rest from writing I took in May. Or the fact I’ve been feeling crappy about my writing for quite awhile now. As in – “what’s the point” crappy. As in – “this is a ridiculous way to spend my time” crappy. And that feeling stops me before I even start, before I even realize I might want to start….

I think, though, that writing and photography and the other forms of art that I dabble in give me something even if they never go anywhere beyond this blog or the little projects I make and give to people – and whatever that something is, it helps me feel like a more human and whole being. Increasingly I’m feeling at odds with the notion of sending out work and having some arbitrary editorial panel judge it as either fit or not. And I’ve never cared much about getting paid since I have a job that remunerates me well and that I likely won’t quit due to the retirement income possibilities.

Yesterday, as I was driving home from my writing circle, I was reflecting on one of my favourite projects ever – the Lucipetal calendar I made a couple of years ago that combined photos and snippets of text – and how I still think about that project even two years later. Not because it was a perfect, polished thing – but because the writing felt honest and a bit rough overlayed on colour and movement as captured during a particularly chaotic time in my life. (I’m working on making it a slideshow to upload to my webspace….) I’ve been thinking a lot lately about those combinations of words and pictures and wondering what to do with projects like that in the future. Do I make them just to make them and give them away? Have a show? Put them on the Internet?

I’m not sure exactly. But I do know that I need to find regular time to practice art and writing even if it doesn’t “go anywhere” – because I miss just being able to come here and write without first having to explore why I haven’t been.