A little vent.

All this detoxing (six days worth now) is making me anxious. Anxious about what the government is going to do in the spring, the banning of books on airplanes, the possible death of print, the coming Olympics, the seemingly downward spiral of our society. It’s awhirring I tell ya! But I just keep reminding myself that it’s *always* this bad, just that sometimes it feels worse than other times because of whatever is going on in the echo chambers of myself. And myself right now is drying out and looking for any excuse to imbibe – the more anxiety the better as far as addictions go right? Because then we feed them like the parasites they are.

Not that I’m giving up some monumental habit or anything – but even a lowgrade thing like smoking one cigarette a day or having a glass of wine takes its due when you cut it out. Those little things really *do* blunt the full force impact of the nuttiness of humanity, particularly when you’ve had at least a mild crutch in your life for as long as I have…. I think I might have to leave early today and hit the gym or go for a walk.

I have managed to start writing again at least, but it feels like a major chore at the moment, all grinding and no fun. I know it’s my own fault for taking a break in the first place, but the prospect of finishing this first draft is seeming distant at the moment even as I refuse to give up writing it. I know if I start on anything else I’ll have lost it and so I’m holding the opportunity for new work away from myself as a reward for finishing at least one draft of this damned novel. That is – with the exception of the poem I started before xmas which is almost done for the moment. I sortof just pick at it a little every other day. One word here moved there – that sort of thing. It’s not like the novel, so therefore it’s allowed.

I’m hoping that after another six days this will have all calmed back down inside of me and I can just go back to seething calmly about the Conservatives, the collapse and the uselessness of being vindicated when it’s all too late to change things back. Surely that will be better. I think I need to go and throw some rocks now. Damn.