Forward moving.

I’m in a hotel in Prince Rupert drinking one of those powdered hot chocolates they set out alongside the coffee machine. This morning I flew from Prince George to Terrace, this afternoon I drove through the snowy pass from Terrace to Rupert, and this evening I ate dinner at Herby’s Vietnamese Family Restaurant. A glamorous life indeed.

I’m having one of those nights where I’m a bit bummed out for no particular reason, feel old even though I’m not, and am wondering exactly why I bother, why I’m here at all. Perhaps it’s just because this is the end stage of bargaining (ratification) and I’d rather the whole process was just over with. Or maybe it’s the looming christmas season. It could also be that I’m just a little tired and that makes everything seem that much bigger and more dire than it really is. Whenever I tell people I’m going to take a short break from doing *everything* in February, they laugh at me. No one believes it, but man I need some time for myself (and with Brian, not to mention everyone else in my life).

It probably won’t happen anyways. At the very least I can’t take a real vacation from work until the spring, but I do think it would be nice to only do one job for awhile instead of two.

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Brian is putting his house on the market this week which I think is part of my vexation. I want that to happen, of course, but it also signals the beginning of a long, complicated process that involves selling, buying, and moving. None of which will happen as quickly as we want it to (as in right now) and all of which could be thwarted by the escalating economic crisis. There are so many things wrapped up in that, our desire to live together, to make the payout to his ex by the time it’s due in the spring, the fact that our busy schedules already divide time and shuttling back and forth between houses just makes that exhausting. But mostly it’s about moving forward, sealing our relationship in cohabitation, continuing to build our nest of family and friends together. A bulwark against the scary times we live in. It’s security I seek, in the arms and bed of my loving partner. I want home.

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I know the answer lies in being good with where I am at, counting my blessings (of which I have many), and allowing events to unfold as they may. But when I am busy, stressed, working all the time – I get more rigid with my *needs* and frustrated with what isn’t being delivered when I feel it ought to be. It’s crazy privilege that even gets me to the place of believing I could have what I want, again with the blessings. I know in these times I am struggling far less than many people are.

Mid-January I am done these meetings and not taking on anything new and huge for at least a couple of months. I’m thinking of taking a writing class, celebrating my birthday, perhaps going to the desert for a few days – not ditching my union work of course, but cutting down my profile a bit for some weeks to restore myself and my relationships a little bit. That seems so far away, but the time goes fast when you’re working seven days a week, what with the holidays thrown into the middle and all.

Moving forward in the new year, I’m looking forward to leaving old projects behind.