Ack. Breathe.

On another flight to Ottawa – what I thought was going to be a short trip for work (home on Friday night) has turned into a longer affair because the union has now called an urgent meeting for all negotiating team members that stretches from tomorrow until Sunday. This would be in response to the “final offer” issued yesterday by Treasury Board in the form of a press release – a grossly disrespectful act which constitutes bargaining in the media and disregards the process we’ve been engaged in for the past 19 months entirely.

To put it mildly, I’m frustrated. Frustrated and overwhelmed by the facts of my life right at this moment. Apologetic to those I have commitments to. Worried negotiations are unrecoverable at this point. Ill with the responsibility I’m feeling. Tired. Wishing I could run away from home.

And it’s not just this, you know, but everything that’s happened in the last couple of weeks – a rough patch last week over step-parenting adjustments, trying to fit a week’s worth of work into two days to keep my union commitments while also making my employer happy, and Darren’s arrival on my doorstep at 9:30 Monday night. Not that his arrival is a negative (finally, we’re done with that waiting!) but it’s another factor to be reconciled with everything else.

I suppose what I must do at this point is put everything else out of my head and just take care of what is most urgent first – a presentation for work tomorrow, and then union meetings the days following. As much as I would like to put my human relationships first, it seems I must deal with the systemic web I’m in before I can move on. And that, more than anything else, riddles me with guilt because I know it’s not the right order of things. It’s not the natural priority in my heart by any stretch. But here I am caught up and headed into what is bound to be a difficult set of discussions.

It’s probably asking too much of myself to just accept everything without emotional response, and I’m sure it’s asking too much of Brian who has put up with so much recently. I can only tamp it down at the moment, cap my heart against the panic coming forth, and reassure myself that we’ve built something strong enough to have faith in against the disappointments of every day life.

It’s 9:30 in the morning and I need a drink, which I won’t have despite the willingness of the air host to serve liquor this early. Perhaps a nap instead. Or perhaps I need to breathe deep and wait it out. The moment passing, it always does.