Monday mornings.

I had an incredibly stupid time getting out of my house this morning, basically because I couldn’t find anything to wear that fit properly, which set me up for a bad mood day… though I think I’m finally almost out of my funk which means it’s time to write something here after a four-day absence (union meetings late last week being the cause).

Fair enough that I’m not supposed to complain because my clothes are all 2 or 3 sizes too big – Brian reminded me of that this morning when I was frustratedly belting a skirt that ended up looking like a drawstring sack at the top when I was finished – but still, at 6 am I want dressing to be an effortless process. I want my cute clothes to continue being cute on me.

And really, it’s not a negative – but I’m just in the middle of this whole thing about identity, body image, disordered eating, and a daily conversation with the mirror that gets more critical with every bit of weight I lose. Suddenly all the monster wants is stronger, faster, thinner, sexier – when a month ago I was just happy with “in better shape”. It’s remarkable what shedding excess pounds reveals, besides more pronounced collarbones, isn’t it? Not that I haven’t wrestled with these feelings in the past, the sense of becoming a different person – or at least having an entirely different relationship to my body can be a tad unsettling at times. Particularly on days when I haven’t gotten enough sleep and/or don’t feel like going to work.

But despite all of that, I made it into the office, then to the gym late this morning to lift weights and admire the fact that my arms look almost cut when I’m in the throes of lat pull-downs; my reverse abdominal crunches are just that much easier to complete three sets of. Really, I’m in increasingly good shape and I know it shouldn’t matter that there are people who swim eight times as fast as me or have nicer shoulders. There’s just a lot of stuff getting worked out besides my heart and lungs, and I suppose this integral to re-invention. How do you know who to become if you never evaluate who you are?

There are worse problems to have, I know. This just happened to be mine on a Monday morning. I’m hoping the rest of the week picks up from here.