I know I'm not her mother but I am a human being.

Well. I’m just glad this one is done with and things stayed essentially the same. It doesn’t make me happy, but it doesn’t make me wretched either to know that most Canadians voted for the center or didn’t vote at all (80% if you total up the non-Tory voters and the non-voters). Obviously mixed in with the disillusioned are the majority who reject American style politics, wars and business-for-the-big-boys that Harper represents. And that’s something I hope will continue to grow in the next couple of years.

I’m feeling a little preoccupied this morning with relationship issues – so much so that my morning free write was nothing but a rehash of a discussion I had with Brian last night. The issues are not ours, per se, but continue to stem from his ex’s sometimes unreasonable demands on the schedule (wanting to leave planning until the last minute to be “flexible”) and some pretty snippy comments that have been directed our way lately. She apparently feels we direct scheduling too much, but refuses to participate in planning it – insomuch as we provide a sample calendar for what could work and ask her for input, she says it looks fine, and then later complains that she had no say. Fortunately I am not a party to the scheduling discussions because I’m not sure I could be nearly as diplomatic as Brian is in the situation.

The discussion I am having the most difficulty with is around xmas holidays (during which M’s birthday falls), because the ex’s (unacknowledged) approach is that my needs are not worth taking into consideration. This would include my need to spend time with my family (which includes Brian and M.). For that matter, Brian’s needs aren’t worth her consideration either in the continued refusal to discuss a child-sharing arrangement for the holidays. And the reason I am finding this the most emotionally challenging is because I have the least “moral” right in the situation, and I fear being left out while the original family unit takes priority. Being an outsider is one of my core triggers, so the situation is amplified in my mind even though I logically recognize things will probably work out just fine. To his credit, Brian is doing everything possible to allay my fears, clarify his priorities with me, and work things through with his ex; on that front I am feeling a great deal of trust and security in my relationship.

It’s just that I’m not sure where to go from here. I keep trying to put myself in the ex’s shoes – recognizing that it’s got to be difficult to watch another woman parent your kid, to find compromise with someone you feel rejected by, to accept that two families are going to be harder to co-ordinate than one which requires schedules in advance. I get all of that. But after a year of pretty shitty behaviour on her part (it has been somewhat better since she’s moved, though scheduling continues to be a complication), I’ve just about had it with the continued hostility (not to mention some weird competitive behaviour that seems to be playing out through M). And that’s the feeling I need to step back from. The feeling that compells me to write letters in my mind I wish I could send and be done with. The one that takes us nowhere positive.

I know people who do this blended family thing well and when I got into this relationship with Brian I was naive enough to think it could be that way for us too. I mean, I have the ability to mediate and be concilatory when the situation requires it – I figured I would just bring that to bear and all would be fine. That was before the raging freak-outs that became a regular occurrence last winter. That was before she tracked down mutual friends to tell them how awful Brian had been, and told him that she wanted to meet me privately only in order to set the record straight (not to actually get to know me or anything). And of course it was long before Brian (and by extension, me) were accused of not caring about M., and being unable to look out for her if she spent time with us.

So, you know, I’ve given up on the hope that we will ever be constructive co-parents in this situation, which effectively also diminishes the possibility of her and Brian truly co-parenting. She doesn’t realize this is so, but how could it not be if Brian supports my involvement in decision-making against her wishes? It’s unfortunate though, and really didn’t have to go this way. I am at this point just hoping for a peace that allows me to plan my life and enjoy the times that Brian, M, and I are together. Which seems like a pretty simple request when I type it out like that. Though I suppose I have to find a way to accept it if she continues to deny that as well.

It’s just that I’m having trouble being the bigger person right now. I’m certain about my relationship with Brian which encourages an incredibly fierce possessiveness when it comes to defending him and what we are building together. And I feel like it should be operating the other way, like if I’m certain, shouldn’t I just sit back and let him take her on? It’s not like he and I have some differing idea about the need to schedule or what is going to work best for the three of us. I suppose that no matter how certain I am about this relationship, it is the stuff about myself that leaves me feeling the need to defend and potentially attack back. This is not how I want to live, which means I’m going to have to choose otherwise. That is trust, faith, and love – rather than fear and anger. Right now it feels impossible to move from one space into the other.