Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Breaking blocks.
In case you’ve been wondering about the clumsiness of the language here lately, I should confess that I’ve been suffering a bad case of writer’s block in the last two or three weeks. Lots of ideas, topics, floating thoughts – but when I try to get them out here or elsewhere the words get all clumped up and they don’t flow out in any pleasing pattern or echo. Literally, my brain feels sticky with language clots, a stupid feeling that wreaks havoc on my sense of who I am (a writer, a woman with a quick mind yes?)
In an attempt to break that over the past few days I’ve redoubled my efforts to write without an internal editor. To set down whatever comes to mind and be happy with whatever fumbles out onto the screen. I find that difficult, to silence my critical self for even a few minutes, let alone every time I sit down to write, but it’s what “they” say you have to do. Particularly when challenged with a block, but even more so if you want to develop a substantial body of material to work from.
So what you have read here this week is about half of what I’ve written, since I am further attempting the disciplinary tactic of getting up every morning at six to write for 45 minutes before work, and have also recommitted to writing 15 minutes per day in my private (paper) journal. In a pretty busy schedule I am attempting to carve two hours out of my day just to write, and hopefully more on weekends as I build up my stamina for the solitude of mind required. And it’s not because I love the act of writing per se, but because I feel like it’s time to make a choice: Either I *am* a writer and I write a tad more seriously, or I am *not* and I stop tormenting myself with the fact I’m not writing. This sitting on the fence is otherwise cutting away at my self-esteem, and there’s no good reason to allow that to continue (besides, it makes me crabby).
Fortunately, Brian is as tired of my neurotic self-doubt as I am, if not actually supportive of my writing work. Thus his encouragement of the regular writing schedule has included a commitment to making coffee and breakfast on the mornings that I write, at least for the next short period while I establish this routine of rising early and heading straight to the computer. This small act helps me tremendously – though I’m not sure if it’s because it cuts down on the amount that I have to do in the morning or because it is a tangible show of support that helps boost my self-esteem on the matter. Probably some combination of both.
In any case it’s working, and I’ve written a lot of words in the last four days. Not a lot of good, cogent sentences mind you. But a lot of words anyways, and I plan to continue doing so for the next few weeks before deciding whether this is a practice that works for me. I have definitely been reminded of a lesson I learned way back in Grade 12 Creative Writing, that if you write freely and without an internal editor, stuff comes out that you didn’t even realize was in there. I wrote 1200 words of notes for a possible poem today, and only towards the end of that did I even realize what the whole point of that poem should be.
So we’ll see. I’m not promising great things, but with practice and discipline I hope to build on what I’ve developed here over the last few years. I suppose it’s just time to push a little further in that direction for my own self-satisfaction if nothing else.
One Comment on “Breaking blocks.”
Leave a comment
Red Cedar 
Yay! I agree that getting Brian onside and helping at the beginning (for any reason) is sure to help you through the rough patches. Having someone else make the coffee is, I’m told, a good thing.