Things that are real.

Hm. Snow disappearing as quickly as it covered Saturday’s streets… I’m looking out at a very rainy day and the last of the snow is being washed down the gutters. Darren may not be happy in prison, but at least where he is now (Florida) it’s sun and more sun. Once he gets yard again he tells me he’ll be working on his tan.

I’ve been intensively dreaming lately, but it’s always so hard to remember about what. I feel like there is a deep disturbance in my subconscious and it is playing there when I fall asleep. I do remember that last night I dreamed about Joe over and over. In the last dream someone sent me a way to contact him and I was elated that I could speak to him on IM finally. After all this time. But of course this was not the case when I woke, and I am back to the reality that our friendship is split apart perhaps forever.

This Friday marks two years. Something I will write about later in the week, but this event has a presence in my life that is insistently demanding my attention right now so it’s impossible to stay off the topic entirely. I don’t have the luxury of falling apart because my schedule won’t allow it – this is probably a good thing. I’m a little too self-indulgent when it comes to melancholy.

I haven’t felt much like writing lately; really I haven’t had the space and time I need in between commitments to get anything worthwhile down. Ditto for photographs. But I’m hoping that my upcoming holidays to the desert (beginning of January) will provide me with some rich new material again. Yesterday I was having one of those “meh” days and so I started doing some research about places to go in the Sonoran desert (Arizona side) which perked me right up. I’m hoping Aaron agrees, but the Vermillion Cliffs area on the Utah border looks incredible for hiking and photography. Even though it will be coldish at the altitude – it is still warmer than here (and we’ve already agreed to cheap motels if it’s really cold at night which it can be out there). Besides, slot canyons are amazingly beautiful and I’ve never been in one. It’s something to look forward to.

I keep meaning to write that I am seeing someone now too, which I’ve alluded to here a couple of times without outright declaring. His name is Brian and it’s going quite well. I mean, it makes me feel all soft and happy inside. Kindof girly and a bit emotional. You know. It’s like that. We don’t see each other all that often because we both travel for work and have other responsibilities – which means that when we do I’m a little overwhelmed. Like I forget how much I’m into him until he walks through my door and then I don’t want him to leave. At the same time it’s not desperate or clingy. And I’m able to keep my doubts in check; he doesn’t trigger them as much as others have in the last couple of years. Still, I’m always afraid of these things that are real. It makes me realize just how much sleeping around has been my technique for avoiding loss. But things have shifted since the summer and I feel like as much as it is still with me every day, I am transitioning into a new phase of accepting myself and the events that have shaped me. As opposed to fighting them. As opposed to turning it back in against my own being.

We’ll see. We’re taking it at the pace that makes sense to us – slow in some ways, though the emotions sometimes come on me faster than I expect as the hesitancy diminishes. It feels right though, and it’s making me happy, which according to friends I deserve. I’m not sure if the universe works that way, but I’m taking what makes me feel good seriously for a change rather than disregarding it.

As always there are a million little things going on, and my weekend was full of people and commitments that kept me occupied. Something I’ve realized is that being busy keeps me satisfied, but it only works if I’m getting enough sleep and downtime. (Not burning myself out, duh.) I’ve been pretty balanced lately, which has made me realize that I can be both busy and healthy if I just watch the schedule and keep my drinking to an appropriate social level. That being said, I’m looking forward to ten days off in California coming up. Cause kicking back time is a necessary part of the equation too.