Notes on union. Hypocrisy. Pride.

One of the things about being a union steward I find interesting (and more often than I will admit, frustrating) is the glimpse into other people’s lives I get while working with them through stressful and angry situations. Although my role is as advocate only, I find myself at turns either compelled to give or asked for advice outside of the normal collective agreement interpretations. Advice. Which no one ever wants to receive, and I should know better than to give. But sometimes I can’t help it, especially when I deal with fellow beings who seem blind to the ways in which they are hurting themselves, or don’t have the self-care tools that seem so essential to me.

I am currently representing such an individual in a very serious case who is insistent that she does not need counseling, nor are there any stress reduction/self-care measures that will work for her. And she’s not sleeping. And she thinks about her case non-stop. And she’s having chest pains. And she is getting visibly frailer before me everytime I see her. So as much as I am loathe to, I give advice beyond my role, which I’m pretty sure is not even going in. She can’t hear it. And even worse, who the hell am I 20 years her junior to be giving life advice? It’s very frustrating to me, not because I believe myself to be a sage beyond my years, but because I know all to well that a self-care discipline can keep me buoyant when the worries are submerging my decks and putting holes in my craft.

There is certainly a part of me that wishes I could refuse to represent people on the basis that they are not doing their part or taking care of themselves, but of course, this would be a legal “failure to represent” and is also not in the spirit of accepting and working with people where they are at. (And of course I have to be honest and give gratitude to all the people who have supported me even when I wasn’t doing the things I knew I should be doing to support myself). It’s always a question of separating my pride from my cases, and that includes a certain pride in being able to fundamentally help shift people from one mode of thinking into another, healthier one. I have certainly been involved in situations where I have witnessed and/or participated in wholesale transformation – and I suppose on some level that’s what I am always aiming to achieve rather than a technical win on the collective agreement or some other policy. Who cares about the mumbo-jumbo of law and process, I want life-altering moments for everyone involved!

Oy. There it is. The truth of why I am frustrated has less to do with my compassion for others and more to do with the way I wish to perceive myself. Or the impact I wish to have. Simultaneously self-serving and altruistic, it’s good to recognize where some of that frustration comes from – a judgement of myself more than anything or anyone else. Of course I want to help only the people who will be self-successful, which is not unlike forgiving only those of egregious behaviour who you assess will change because of it. The motive is not pure in either case, an indictment on the self which provides much fodder for self-righteousness and self-criticism.

A recognition to sit with before I wreck upon the rocks in my attempt to right myself.