Are we there yet?

I have been struggling with a bit of exhaustion and an almost perceptible depression the last few days and I’m not sure why. I suspect it might just a time of month/change of seasons thing as it has come on quite suddenly and not in relation to anything in particular. Though, when I do feel this way, I tend to get sunk into a bit of the blues around the green scare case, I think it being just a convenient foil for whatever negative stuff is coming up otherwise. In any event, Darren made his regular Sunday night call and did his damned best to cheer me up, which is the reversal of what usually happens. Bless him though, it almost worked, and at the very least it reminded me that I need him almost as much as he needs me – at least as far as this whole mess is concerned.

For my birthday I bought myself a new moleskine notebook and promised myself that this year of journal-writing would not be about the case, that I was ready to move on from masticating each moment into a fine and bitter powder. But so far, no go, as much as I write about other things (I do have a life), I still come back to it over and over. Sometimes it’s a settled contemplation and I am at peace with the outcomes, and others (like last night) I am seized by a regret and anxiety that has no definable rationale. I realized on Saturday when I found a flyer for an upcoming talk by Steven Best that I find myself very angry at the people going about promoting direct action as the one true way when they themselves are not involved in it or having to deal with the emotional shrapnel that comes from such explosive politics.

As I told David a few weeks ago, I am looking forward to a day when everything is not about this case and I hope the sentencing hearings in May will give me a natural point of emotional resolve.

I think I need this coming weekend to be about spending time with good friends, and to that end I’m going to do something at my place Saturday night that involves dinner and socializing. I’ll be emailing out about that shortly – but please let me know if you don’t receive an invite and you want to come over – cause it will just be an oversight on my part I’m sure.