Making a destination.

I’ve been having a bit of trouble with focus this week, and although I’ve been *thinking* about writing a lot, I haven’t been up to much *doing* of it. My journal is fallow, my blog bereft. And there’s not a whole lot of good reason for it. It’s not even that I don’t have anything to say (I always have something to say) – but I just haven’t been able to put the finer points on anything in particular.

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Someone I know from online (the television director who I’m not actually dating for those of you keeping track) told me last night that he regards me as a self-actualized individual. While I strongly feel this sometimes, the last week has found me questioning myself intensively – particularly around the union and whether I should be so confident in my plans to run for this position or that. In part I fear that because things have been going so well lately in the work/union/social contexts I must be bound for some sort of crushing disappointment or failure. Typical fear of success stuff. And then I wonder why I even care? Why is it important to me to do well at work, or to be a union leader? None of my friends seem to be afflicted with this type of ambition and I wonder what part of me is damaged enough to find value in these civilizational aspirations.But then again, I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to be doing – cause my path in this regard has always felt like the most natural one even with the misgivings that come at regular intervals.

And so it’s not a complaint or a worry lingering over my pauses, but the same loneliness that puts one foot in front of the other to make a destination reveal itself. Wondering why and simultaneously realizing that no route would have been any easier for a person with a core like mine. I suppose if I just stopped trying to understand it, the questions wouldn’t nag at me so much.

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I wrote yesterday on tribe that I am planning to become a stronger kayaker this summer and put a call out there (and to another friend) for people who want to help embolden and encourage me in this. I am putting the same call out here as I have keen need to do this with other people. It’s not nearly as much fun to be challenged all by oneself as it is to do so in the presence of others. I have decided I need to get in shape and knowledgeable enough to kayak here next summer – Hakai Luxvbalis – on top of every other thing I’m doing. Yeah – I know. This just speaks to the above introspection.