Bullets and reminders.

• I slept a lot over the weekend. Exhaustion set in shortly after touching down Friday afternoon – and I spent a lot of the weekend in my house sleeping, or just meandering about with friends – which was a very good thing. I forget how wearing it can be, this flying back and forth – and since December, I have barely been home. After the 13th, I will be home for most of March and April and the first half of May – other than the occasional local trips on the weekends….
• I’ve been dreaming a lot lately. A lot about men in my life and the need to leave some of them behind. They have been vivid dreams, but I suspect that’s what I’ve needed to get the point. I want to clean the house now, I want to pare out the exes and lovers who never did give me priority and stick with those who have proven their friendship over years of rebuilding trust instead. Darren stays (he’s worked on our friendship with me since our separation 5 years ago) but others must go.
• I have been distracted too often in recent months. And this is partly why I need to pare out that which doesn’t matter and focus on that which does (and those who do), including the need boiling up in me to start writing more seriously and play more music with other people. I’m not going to go into some bullshit analysis about how it’s too hard on my psyche to write and therefore I distract myself instead. The reality is, I’m lazy when it comes to doing difficult things, and I find writing anything other than a blogpost a somewhat painful and difficult process. Perhaps I just need to disconect my ADSL. Or at least disable Adium a better portion of the time.
• I feel pretty good most of the time. Yeah, really. Other than being a bit tired, and occasionally stretched, I feel like I’m generally on the right track. The worst of the stuff with the green scare is quickly coming to an end. Even the self-righteous anarchist emails have all but died off, and I feel the for the first time in many years, I have my life to myself and I don’t owe any person or movement anything. I feel less fraught with personal and political struggle in general, even as I continue to engage with the things I always thought mattered. And I’m proud of myself for not losing my shit entirely last year.
• I am at a turning point. But what I am turning into I am not sure. It’s exciting, and I feel open again. And it’s okay to not know how things will turn out, and to just enjoy adventuring there. At least, that’s how I feel right now – and I haven’t felt that in a *long* time – since way before the arrests and everything fell apart. I think it’s going to be okay. I really do.