Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
Lovers and loss trauma.
To those of you who know me well, it will come as no surprise that I am dating again on a pretty regular basis – doing the whole Internet hook-up thing to generate a pool of potential folks to hang out with, which is about the only way I seem to be able to meet new people these days. I’m not looking for a settled, monogamous partnership mostly because I like diversity, don’t want to get bogged down with any one person at the moment, and am pretty damned busy these days (and yes, I’ve got issues with my ex – there, are y’all happy that I’ve said it?) At the same time, I don’t want to sleep around ad infinitum, or take on more people than I can honestly handle encroaching on my life – dating and the maintenance of people in one’s life takes up time that I would rather spend on other things (like writing and music). So I’ve decided that a good number of lovers for me at any one time is two. Two who are very diffferent, have different interests and kinks, and even different schedules is preferable.
Since just before Greg ended things with me, I have had one lover who I see about once a week and I’ve been on the lookout for another with a specific set of kinks in mind. I have had a few coffee dates and a couple of sexual encounters with people in the last couple months in that quest, but nothing that really clicked in terms of chemistry or timing. Last night, upon my return from Ottawa, I had a prescheduled date with someone new I’ve been talking to recently (and new to the city it turns out, he just arrived this week to stay for awhile with a friend).
I was initially hesitant about meeting him as he came on really strong about wanting to meet and sent me several emails and text messages in a short period of time which can sometimes be an indication of mania or fixation. In internet-dating land, this is a good thing to steer clear of in my opinion…. But once we actually talked on the phone briefly (me from the Ottawa airport), I decided to go through with it. I figured, since I was just flying in I could always beg off as tired if the date really went sideways. In any event, all hesitation was set to the side when we actually met. Our date didn’t end until this morning at around 11:30 when he left my apartment (as one friend I spoke to this afternoon said – you let him stay the night? wow, that must have gone extremely well then). He really is all of what I am looking for at the moment which I realized last night at some point is extremely frightening to me (it makes me immediately go to the place where I’m not good enough and that this lover, like every other one will disappear after I’ve got myself good and attached).
I didn’t used to be so fearful of attachment and potential loss of people – but I think I am still coming up against the “losses” of the past year or two. Deaths, imprisonments, the fugitive status of friends, and my most recent breakup….. make me want to curtail any new entanglements, no matter how non-commital they are. Non-commital of course does not mean non-emotional, non-hurtful, or non-involved – and mostly what I see in people I might actually like is the potential for it to disappear. I’m working on it, cause I know that’s not the way to approach life in general (as a friend once reminded me – “you know, megan, not everyone regards life as a lurch from one struggle to another” to which I answered “really? are you sure?” in complete seriousness.) What do you mean life is not all about suffering and loss and struggle? What I find most ironic, is that it’s after a night of incredible, mind-blowing, ecstatic sex – I find myself pondering the big heavies in life rather than just basking in the rumpled bed and having a long hot bath.
We’ll see if this one comes around again. Of all the guys I’ve met (most of whom have only been coffee dates), he’s only the second I have really wanted to see more than once. He says he will, but of course, I won’t believe it until I see it.
One Comment on “Lovers and loss trauma.”
Leave a comment
Red Cedar 
Oh, yay. See, instead of just waiting for them to disappear I get around the problem by engineering situations where they must disappear. But that didn’t work either. Lately my position is, “I give up.” At least for now.