What. How?

Things are feeling very hard right now for me – harder than they have in a long time. But I’ve made some decisions that I think are important.

The first is that I’m not going to take herbs or anything else to stave off the depression this time – I think now I have a bit of space to explore it and work through it rather than dampening it or trying to make it go away. I’m also not in the absolute depths which makes it easier to imagine dealing with it.

The second is to prioritize moving and creating community in the mid to long-range future. Despite the fact my relationship may or may not be happening – I have decided that Victoria is very much where I want to go, and focus on rebuilding core community there with some of the people who I have known the longest in my life. If I have to find another job to do this – then I will, but I would rather stay with the work I’m doing at the moment.

The third is related to the second – decluttering my life in such a way that I can move more easily, and possibly take up a much smaller place if need be. I want to simplify, and get rid of as much of the past as possible in the process – it’s a tremendous urge at the moment in fact – to put old things aside and give up the desire to control the future through them.

I’m really very scared by all of these things in fact – and I hate the fact I feel so alone in making these decisions – but I know something has felt off-kilter for a long time and I’m starting to get clearer on what that is. Now that I’ve figured out what, I need to get through how – I’m sure at that point it will feel a lot better.