Giving myself the creeps.

Since I bought my house last spring I have been putting off the writing of a will – something that only really becomes essential once you own substantial things and/or have dependants. I recently also took out life insurance through my union as I have one person in my life who I wanted to make sure would be taken care of in the event of something untimely. Problem is, if you die and don’t have it all clear who people have to contact and where the beneficiaries can be found – the insurance just goes unclaimed. If I was not single it would be somewhat easier – but being that I’m on my own pretty much all my particular information is just stored in my head – which helps no one if I’m not around the explain it.

So I know I have to do the official paperwork soon and get it all notarized. But since I’m leaving the country, I felt like I should at least leave some notes behind about where to find paperwork, and where to contact people etc.

Let me tell you – that is one heavy task. Asset distribution is the simple part, but when I got down to trying to figure out who needs to be contacted, I got really very sad. Not sad about my own death, but sad because as I chose names, I thought about those people getting a phone call, about Darren’s lawyer having to come and tell him in his cell, about my parents having to make arrangements. Sad because I can remember everytime I have picked up the phone to hear of death in explicit detail – what I was doing and thinking prior to the call, how I put the phone down and where I went afterwards, how everything can be spun in an instant of new reality. A disappearance, a rush, a shock, a hollow opening up underneath, a squeeze of the heart, a slow belief. Not something I would wish on anyone I care about – that’s for sure.

(And not a day goes by when I do not still think of Bob – even 18 months later – and I remember putting down the phone and going out to the step of my house in Roberts Creek and staring at the yard silent until I believed what I had just heard and hung up on, rushing loss running through my hands. Rocking reality back and forth in myself – torn and screaming Not fair! Not fair!)

So yeah, I wouldn’t reccomend it unless you have to for some reason. I’m dreading sitting down to do an actual will, so hopefully this signed piece of paper will make do in the meantime.