Anxiety.

I’m having one of those anxiety days – an inability to shake the feeling that everything in my life has to change right now and there’s too much to do and I’m pushing myself too hard and failure must be right around the corner and… and… and…… what the hell am I doing with my life anyway!?

It’s not helping that I can ennumerate the possible causes of this state – hormones, too-little sleep on the weekend, the fact I have barely been home in the past month, lots of external pressures to perform at work and in my union….. of course I’m a bit anxious! But knowing the causes is doing little to minimize the internal pressure that literally makes me want to bolt from the office and sign up for some type of 12-step life-coaching that will help me find the answers to all my dilemmas. If only!

And I know better, of course – realize that overthinking does not help, that decisions will be made as they need to be, that direction in life is shaped by a combinations of other events, people and moments yet to come. It’s just hard to quiet the monkey mind on days like this – give myself a break….

On a more positive note, my visit to Victoria this weekend was good – I spent most of my time with Greg, but also managed to fit in a day with my parents which was well-received by them. I am starting to feel comfortable with the feeling that this relationship isn’t going to suddenly end… though I’m way too cynical to make any declarative statements at this point. What I do know is that the time we spend together is incredibly easy, we have lots in common when it comes to taste in music, movies and politics, we have good physical chemistry, and communicating with each other is straightforward. I also know that when we separate, I am left with a feeling of absence, as though something is suddenly missing or my house has abruptly emptied.

And perhaps that is part of the anxiety as well. Agh! Feelings! I don’t have time to deal with those…..

For the meantime, since I can’t deal with everything that is overwhelming me – I will focus the next two days on laundry, packing, and reading my convention documents before I get on the plane to Toronto. I’m pretty sure that come the new moon (thursday), this anxiety will subside dramatically (gotta love being governed by astronomical shifting), and I’ll be able to relax and enjoy what I’ve got going on (which is a lot, and mostly really good).