What is.

Took Greg to the Field Rd. airstrip this morning to see him off, have had a day to clean up and putter about since his departure – all ready for the week of work ahead, and feeling I can just relax for the evening. Realized moments ago, while eating a veggie burger, that I feel better right now than I have since my crazy 14-day marathon of work and union started three weeks ago. Night and day, I am amazed at how that shift can occur almost unnoticeably, though this weekend did hold some restorative energy I needed to propel it.

As for the visit, it went by quickly and was full of lots of nice moments visiting with friends at Jasmyn and Kevin’s wedding, eating good food, listening to good music, watching movies, imbibing in drink and smoke, and of course all the physical attention I lack from my life in a regular basis. Our approach to weekends together is one of having a holiday and just giving in to all the laziness and decadence that implies – remarkable to achieve that so easily, and at the same time suprising it seems such a rarity. A lot of factors are a part of what makes this so, but it always feels to me when we come together that we are meeting at the same place and on the same level – the connection is clean and not complicated by shoulds, ifs and whens. I am starting to wonder if this type of acceptance is actually what a relationship can be, or if it necessarily has to change because of social expectation and misplaced emotional need. I would like to believe it is possible to live differently from what we have been taught (I’m an anarchist for a reason after all), but I recognize the amount of internal work required to keep those things in check.

In general these days, I feel more able to accept what is, rather than what I wish it would be. Since the personal and political cataclysm of December 7th, my understanding of the importance of the moment has deepened considerably and I find myself seeking solace in what I have right now rather than what might or might not happen in a week or a month or a year. This doesn’t mean I have given up in looking forward or making plans, but just not at the expense of the continual living that every day brings. If I wasn’t able to make this peace in myself, particularly right now, I’m sure the struggle with Darren and others would be that much more difficult to handle – as it is, I have to constantly remind myself of the parameters with which we are dealing as a way of accepting the situation and continuing to live with as little fear and anger as possible.

Back at work tomorrow and the post-holiday schedule ramps up for the next month. Hoping to find more blogging time than I have recently – but who knows? every day seems to be busy right now.