thanks to friendships great and small.

back at work this morning after a couple of days off – grey day rain, vancouver march. so typical this day so far, like every other. if i ignore the greater context and just sit at this keyboard, it almost seems normal – just another regular working day, working person, working life. briefing notes and responses to inquiries. as grey as the rain, as tired from winter as the beginning of march.

spent the past two days in my house, working on the presentation for friday, stitching together a small resistance music video with photos of the eco-eleven and music by asian dub foundation (it’s not quite finished), adding borders to my quilt top, and reading books. of course there were errands and chores as well, and phone calls and online chats with friends. so, not entirely alone.

i am feeling very lucky these days for the relationships in my life – so glad for who is there, for those who have held space open for me, prepared fires in my wood stove and shared dinners in restaurants and cramped kitchens. godammit, the value of people is immense, both in terms of how we navigate the world and ourselves. i seem to remember writing somewhere once (here? in a handwritten journal?) “how do we know who we are if we can’t see ourselves reflected in others?” – and i would like to think when i summon up the courage, beauty, intelligence, creativity and compassion of my closest friends, that i am at least a little reflected in there.

awareness of people around me, their actions, their principles, and my relation to them are part of my general process of both detachment and nurture right now. my heart and core are in flux, and i keep wondering who i will be when the pieces finally settle. i am looking for clues in those who know me well, and those who barely know me at all – hoping those reflections will give me an idea of where i’m heading. wondering if it is possible to come through a traumatizing event stronger? more self-aware? without carrying anger and despair and frustration in one’s heart forever?

several times a day my insides wrinkle with fears and a million petty anxieties, but i keep finding a way to iron them back out on a breath and task, refocus, centre. denial? or perhaps i really am doing as well as it seems. knowing i am held close and held up by people who are rooting for the right side in all of this, i suspect has a tremendous amount to do with it.

and so what started as a regular blog post has turned into a public letter of gratitude to those of you who have been there and continue to be. it’s a long stretch to the finish line yet, and i’m sure i will falter between now and then. i know my reciprocation of such support has been lacking, but this june i will throw a big party and invite you all to make it up.

promise.