Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
my biological clock turned out to be a ticking time bomb
it just feels too cliche somehow – the biological clock sounding the alarm in some almost mystical epiphanous moment. the driven woman who suddenly realizes that it’s almost too late to have the family she always dreamed of and changes everything….
but now i understand where those stereotypes come from. for real, they happen, and i’m not so sure what that means for me.
those who have known me for some time are aware that i have been pregnant before, have decided not to continue those pregnancies, and have often stated that in no way do i want children or expect to have them in my life. period. end of story. forget it….. and i wasn’t just making a point, i really believed it, part of me thinking i was immune from this whole biological clock business, wholly lacking in maternal impuses and thus unfit for parenting. i have a whole section of my identity built up around remaining childless, so much so that i chose an IUD as the definitive form of birth control to get me through the self-imposed deadline of 35 years old, deciding that there should be no more accidents before then.
there is nothing i hate more than being wrong – but then i guess that’s why declarative statements are so problematic in the first place.
without getting into the specifics of recent events, i will say that something has shifted within me and suddenly (and i do mean *suddenly*) i am completely open to the possibility of having a child within the next two years, despite the fact it will have profound effects on my life and cause me to take a detour from my current path. for the past 10 days or so i have been thinking around and around the possibilities, the implications and the fact that i don’t have forever to make this decision before i lose the chance to have an easy time of it (yes, a child after 35 is a consideration, but not desirable to me). i have been stressed, i have been introspective, i have been erratically emotional.
and thus, the silence on this blog lest i say something i really would regret.
does this mean i’ve come to any solid decisions on this yet? no. i’m still pondering and expect i will be for some time, but i’ve decided to open myself to the possibility fully in order to make that decision for the first time in my life. single parenting seems most likely given my present state, which adds an extra layer of questions and stresses.
i guess what has fundamentally changed is realizing that whatever i decide to do, it is possible for me to raise a child with or without help, and that i have it in me to do whatever it takes to be a good mother. in the past i wasn’t ever confident of those things, nor did i see motherhood as a desired state and so i couldn’t even be honest with myself about the questions.
i know, weird huh? i’m just a stereotype like everyone else. any thoughts? please share them here.
4 Comments on “my biological clock turned out to be a ticking time bomb”
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Red Cedar 
I took time to read your profile and other posts before making up my mind to comment on your present resolution over the challenges of motherhood.
Motherhood is the consummation of womanhood.
You can do this if you really want to.
It is your life and you have the right to enjoy it. And I believe starting a family will make your life more fulfilling than ever before.
Have your babies
Sing them your lullabies.
And they will later greet you with kisses
And come to see you with roses.
hmm… that’s a tough but vital question… and it’s wonderful that you are now considering it…
IMHO, you should not only consider it in terms of your life style and work…, or whether you can make it by your own or not… there are more questions to be answered: can you make it as a parent? can you raise a child with proper care, education….? you don’t have to have all the answers before you take the decision, but at least, you should be ready.. it’s beautiful, but it’s not that easy!
BTW, I’m 22 male, and I’ve been asking similar questions to myself since half a year ago… i love to ‘have’ my own kids, i have this urge into that… but i know I’m not ready now and till at least the next 10 years.
i totally get where you are coming from (as i have blogged about it myself!) i think there is definitely a space of possibility that opens up when you realize you don’t need the whole fairy tale of romance+partner to have a child. and yes, you do have choices and support – as you know.
i can’t really advise you on timing though … i’m definitely an “after-35er” if i decide to breed, not the least because i need to finish school first and i have an IUD until then anyway …
while i don’t beleive that motherhood = consumation of womanhood, i certainly respect women who decide to have children, although i wish there were more celebrated role models of women who choose to not have children.
at any rate, now that you have started thinking about this, i’m sure that opportunities will present themselves in the most strange and surprising ways!
hey meg,
i hope you know that you never have to do it “without help”. as i told you on the phone, i think you would be a wonderful mother. you are a wonderful person. caring, strong, practical…you are so much. i support you no matter what your decision is. and yes, for me at least, once i hit 35 my biological desires to have a biological babe, have begun to disappear. for which i am greatful because the desire to have a baby has caused me a great deal of grief and anguish at times. i am so glad that desire is subsiding. i am excited that you are experienceing these new and unusual feelings. very excited for you. i know how awesome it feels to want to be pregnant. i can hardly wait to talk to you about it all in person!