renewing self-doubt

early spring sky at dusk in roberts creek

lately i have been having a series of “what the hell was i thinking when i made that major (or minor) life decision?” moments – i’m not exactly sure what has triggered all this questioning – but it is nice to note (reading blogs belonging to friends of mine) that i’m not alone in this petulant self-crit session. i suspect some of it might be the fall-out from the empowered-high after my canoe trip, and partly also because fall has more of a “new year” feel to it than january, which reflexively causes one to go into self-review mode.

in any case, it’s been wearing me down a little which is part of the reason my writing here has been sparse this week. the other reason for the sparsity (if that’s a word) is the fact i have been mired in work and union matters that are a little overwhelming and at times, a little bleak. yesterday (as i was working out a case strategy for one of the people i am representing), i drew out a flow chart of her downward spiral of illness and depression, starting with a decision made by management back in 2003 – which made for an excellent, if not totally disheartening, visual of how someone’s life can come so completely unhinged because of one or two simple events. it’s true of all of us, is the thing, which is where we get down to – those in glass houses should not… you know… throw stones, since we’re all living in a pretty fragile equilibrium whether we realize it or not.

as a mild elixir to my state, i decided last night to visit a friend in the fraser valley, who built me a fire, made me dinner, and sent me back into the city today with a cooler-full of fish (including one of the much sought-after fraser river sockeye) – all of which made me feel a little more cherished than i have been lately, and so this morning i am tireder for the highway trip, but happier too. i’ve been feeling a lot lately there must be something really wrong with me that no one seems at all interested at the moment (or at least, the interest out there is vague and intermittent enough to be annoying rather than ego-soothing). what’s really more frustrating about it is how much i am allowing my personal self-worth to be wrapped up in the absence of men attached to me, even though i have a whole life on the go which is fulfilling and meaningful in its own right. maybe this is an age thing? i hope it’s just a phase.