rattling around in my head

when i first took this photo, i didn’t like it much – but showing it to megan the other night i realized that it is sortof a neat picture. this is a wildflower shot from my trip to the anza borrego desert earlier this year.

and that’s a funny thing – how we can look at an object or an image one time, hear a piece of music in a moment – and not enjoy it… but then twig to something special in it down the road – either because it becomes familiar or because we see something new the next time it comes before us. many times i have had that experience with people, having a certain first impression totally gutted by the transition of actually getting to know them…. and this makes me wonder about the person who i have seen the last couple times in victoria. my first impression wasn’t much, but of course that changed within short time…. and i have recognized in stages my brain’s refusal to let go of the misgivings i have about men who are interested in me generally. i have thought then, to put a halt to things before they go further, because it seems simpler than turning the object of my fear over and looking at it from a different perspective.

but, although there is a cautious me who warns against committing and also overthinking, there is a reckless me who wants all the energy, anxious or otherwise, that comes from new connections to old strangers…. and so, on it goes… and i wonder if he even wants to see me again? or if i him and why? i suppose that will become clear in short order…. and in the meantime, i have had little time to dwell on this (thankfully) in the past two weeks as i have been swamped-busy (but i am leaving for victoria tomorrow afternoon so it has become present once more in my thoughts). i definitely prefer being immersed in work to rattling around in my head all alone.

it really does seem a cruelty that i have got this far in the world (awesome friends, good job, my own house, a beater-car, a fairly stable psychological makeup) and yet still am beset with anxiety over questions of whether a guy likes me or not – what is up with that? i cringe just thinking about the girliness of it all – “who cares if i can command professional respect? i just want to know if i’m attractive.” yuck….. i’m hoping this is one i can blame on society because i would hate to think it is some inborn part of being human, this bewilderment about place and relationship.

*sigh*

besides all of that inner processing going on between meetings at work, i have decided to stay in vancouver sunday night rather than making the longshot home – so tonight i have to pack not only for the weekend but also for a day or two of working (i might not get home until tuesday depending on how things go). i am really looking forward to being home next weekend and having people come to visit me! (and for those of you who have not rsvp’d yet – please do!). should be an interesting couple of weekends coming up….