a selfishness

i think i need to end this thing called the affair. i think i don’t have the patience for it anymore, and somehow extracting is so much more difficult than entering… but i have lost the mental capacity to process our interactions and i find myself in a position of just feeling downright mean about it. mean because i am wondering if this is really the sum total of my romantic life, mean because i want to know what is so wrong with me, mean because i am tired from working like crazy and arranging every last small detail of my own life all by myself all the time.

and i am exhausted still wondering why it is i have such a propensity for attracting totally unavailable men (or on the other end of the spectrum, those who want to own me complete)…. and no matter what pop psych answers i hear from people i know – i don’t really buy that this is what i am looking for, because it sure doesn’t feel like that (and dammit, i’ve done enough therapy to have at least figured that out…)

so what is it i want? that i don’t know.. but i’m pretty sure it looks like a good lover and feels like an old friend, and doesn’t interfere too much or criticize the amount of time i spend on politics, and likes to lie about on saturday mornings and go for the occasional hike and beers in the pub afterwards. i’m pretty sure it is someone who likes the fiddle enough to come to my shows and thinks i look good in a short skirt and isn’t already married though isn’t always faithful. and i’m almost certain that it isn’t all about me, but about the fact their needs are met too even though i don’t want to have kids and settle down in any sort of regularized way. someone who is there but not all the time, who likes the brandenburgs and ibooks, is not afraid to argue about the things that matter, who does more than work a job they hate, who sees how screwed up the world is but gets on with their life anyways….. and doesn’t care that sometimes i drink too much, or am too busy, or talk too fast.

so you can see my problem just from that laundry list – i suppose – it’s a selfishness on my part, the me who spent too much time in a marriage not happy and poured my heart into someone who left me anyway for more exciting things, the me who wants just some small love that is mutual and respectful and has hope integral to its reason for being. i don’t want to own, nor be owned – but to be adored a little, and a little adoring in exchange.

and what gets me – gets me most of all – about this is in every other area of my life i am happy, and successful and overall quite pleased with myself – but when it comes to this arena of love and connections i am so horrendously frightened – frightened of ending things with my lover as i fear there will be no one else to fill that void, and fearful that there really is no one out there for a girl like me.

(and yes, i am tired this evening, and frustrated, and i’m sure in the morning all these feelings will subside again and i will be back to my normal, stable self…..)