disappearing acts

i have friends in my life who periodically disappear, only to re-enter my sphere when i am too engaged in other things to notice. i am not sure why these people disappear, or even why they return – but it seems to me that i have more of this type of person in my life than other people do. somehow, i manage to sustain my love for these folks even when i don’t see them for weeks, months, or years on end – as if all they have to do is come close again and i remember why it was i ever connected with them in the first place.

sometimes it is not physical, this disappearing act, instead a sleight of mental trickery where the dove turns into a brick and all of a sudden a relationship of lightness becomes cold as a shadow. do i do this to other people? i must at times, turn away for other projects, other lovers, other moments….. but i tend to be regarded as loyal by the people in my life and perhaps this is my grave fault, one that will have me perpetually being left, as those who know my heart realize they always have the option to return.

i am not sad by this, but often perplexed, as though it reflects some core in me that is not good enough rather than a deficiency in another person’s ability to commit or love or treasure a relationship. and yet, i wonder about some of these people in my life, if the friendship was different, more sustained, more stable – would i want it? would it remain with me for long, or is it the fissures in which we locate the space we need to breathe and grow without being reminded always of who we were?

what i do know is that i am faced again with this situation, wondering why it is i am still open after all these years to someone who comes and goes as they please.