curry and sex

i got home late last night smelling of curry and imprinted by my lover. suffice to say, it was a fine evening which made up for the birthday sadness (some of which was related to the combination of my desire and an inability to see him).

sometimes i think i should get a “real” (that is capital R) relationship, but unfortunately, that would likely mean giving up this man in my life right now – and although it has its furtive qualities – he does make me quite happy. having said that, i don’t feel i am closed to the possibilities of another realtionship coming into my life – but i don’t meet that many men who i like (and no, i don’t think i’m too fussy) and i’d rather not settle.

maybe that is the crux though, in that i am not unhappy on my own most of the time – so there is no reason to settle with someone who doesn’t meet my needs or desires (or who treats me badly as some men in my life over the last couple of years have seemed wont to do). i suppose the nagging worry is that while i am happy with my arrangements at 32, i might not be at 40, or 50 or 60 – what then? will i be a lonely old crone? unloved and unattended to? or is it possible to be happy without coupling for life? (i think it is, despite my mother’s warnings that reverberate through my head).

since my birthday, this has been floating around , a bit – but seeing my lover last night… well, i don’t like the idea of having to give him up – ever… which of course isn’t possible for so many reasons.

*sigh* what’s a girl to do? i suppose just let things take their own course as usual. 😉